So I wasn’t actually planning on updating again so soon, but I have been so shocked and amazed by the response to my first post that I wanted to take this opportunity to thank everybody who has read what I have to say and how grateful I am for all your comments on my Facebook, where I shared my blog! The responses have been outstanding and I really do hope people enjoy reading further and hopefully learn something.
Following on from my previous post I wanted to discuss the social aspect relating to my autism. People often assume that autism means you don’t want to be social, you don’t care about having friends and we live in our own little bubbles. I will admit that I do enjoy my bubble, it’s safe, I don’t have to question or worry that I’m messing up or going to be overwhelmed and yes I can immerse myself in my current hyper fixation. But this is lonely. I enjoy talking to people, I may sometimes struggle with it if the topic isn’t a subject I can babble on about but of course I desire the closeness of friends just as much as anyone else. I am lucky to have some awesome friends within my life who do (amazingly!) love me for me and I can assure you that it isn’t always easy, especially when I become stubborn.
The hardest thing for me when creating relationships with people is my tendency to be obsessive. Just like with everything else in my life I commit wholly to it. It controls me. A person I feel particularly close to becomes all I think about, spending time with them, talking to them, making them happy and sometimes this results in me going a little overboard. But I do move past this, it can be tough to stick through this stage with me but I’m forever thankful to the people that have. As a child this was much harder and my best friend was my best friend. I wanted to spend all my time with that person, I found it hard to understand why they would want to hang out with other people sometimes or if they didn’t choose me for something. As I have got older this has got easier. I have a better understanding of social situations and how friendships should work. Sometimes these issues still haunt me but I have got better at hiding them (most of the time) and not let them ruin the friendships that I do have.
Growing up much of these ‘obsessions’ were with teachers who took their time with me, I saw something familiar in or whom I saw as strong. I think this was one of the harder aspects to deal with, no one really understood and to be honest I didn’t understand either I just knew I couldn’t help it.
For much of my teenage years into my adult hood people would tell me I was a lesbian. I didn’t feel like I was, physically I had only thought about boys but everyone kept telling me I must of been and all my obsessions did seem to be with girls or female characters so they had to be correct in their assumptions right? I was the ‘weird’ one and wasn’t acting like everyone else was with people so what did I know? Deep down something kept telling me I wasn’t attracted to girls but it took me a long time to believe this in my head. I went back and forth thinking I could be for years, every time someone made a comment I believed them again. It wouldn’t of bothered me either way if I’m honest I just wanted to know what I was thinking, and who I was. Thankfully the older I get the more I have been able to figure out what are my feelings and differentiate them from the ones everyone is suggesting to me and know that the strong female role probably relates to the mother figure or person I strive to become, and now I have an absolutely wonderful man in my life who is the most understanding and caring man who accepts me for me, the good days and the bad.
Thank you to all who take the time to read this, my next update will be about how I find larger social events and when I am having a ‘bad’ day.