Firstly sorry for such a long time since updating, I 100% haven’t stopped, work and life has just been particularly busy the last week. This is has also been one of most trying posts to bring myself to write. This is one subject that has haunted me and caused much upset during my adult life and an area that many haven’t understood about me. Physical relationships and Intimacy.
To begin lets start simple, sometimes as previously mentioned I can be the most cuddly, need to be close to you person, probably too much so, and on the other hand I can cringe away at the most simplest of touches on other days and feel absolutely terrible about it. This can be with anyone. I do not like people I am not comfortable with touching me in any way, my skin crawls when they get too close and my whole body feels tense. Obviously, I have learnt to control this, as you cannot avoid contact all the time and I can normally act ‘normal’ during these circumstances. If I am feeling particularly anxious, upset or angry at all then this is all magnified and it can feel like razor blades attacking my skin, I feel the need to physically scratch or brush off the area which they have touched. I can feel the touch for some time after too, depending on how bad I am feeling beforehand. Oddly this can be worse with people I am close too. It is like having two different people, I can either be glued to you and seek out as much physical contact, no matter how small. Laying an arm against your side, sitting up close, snuggling into you or I cannot even cope with the air between us if we are too close and I need space, to breath, a bubble of my own to escape inside so that I can pull breath into my lungs, calm the buzzing sensation within my brain and stop the horrible itchy, dirty, painful feeling running along my skin and nerve endings. Understandably this can be hard for people to understand, especially as it isn’t as simple as being okay with one person and not another and really can depend on many things, some that I still can not pinpoint.
This has lead to many failed relationships or issues within relationships over the years with friends and more specifically with partners. How can I expect them to understand that one minute they can hold my hand, hug me, kiss me and the next its like I am physically repulsed by the very idea of it all. I spent years and years beating myself over this before my diagnosis. What kind of freak was I? Why couldn’t I just get over it, let things be. This lead to me forcing myself to let these situations happen sometimes, which I know may be seen as a form or therapy but honestly it just made me feel worse. My body would almost shut down, block everything out or go into complete melt down mode resulting in panic attacks. Of course this would make guys believe that I didn’t like them, which just wasn’t the case. How could I express something that I didn’t even understand myself? How could I make them understand what my body was feeling when none of my friends or the people around me were clearly suffering the same way I was. I was broken. My body and brain were a traitor.
Being Intimate was even worse. I could be completely in the mood, okay with being touched, lets be honest turned on, body reacting the way it is supposed to and then suddenly nothing. No sensation, the need to stop overwhelming me, pain, panic, fear or just absolutely nothing at all and the feeling of is it over yet? Again this made me feel utterly broken. When you hear everyone around you talking about how much they enjoy sex, anything sexual in fact, and how amazing it is all supposed to be. Don’t get me wrong its not that everything was bad or I didn’t enjoy it at all it all started out good, just would all suddenly go away and I was done, not in the orgasmic way it should be just a total sensation ending. Naturally this lead to a lot of issues within relationships too and a lack of explanation from me probably didn’t help matters. The most frustrating thing is it wasn’t for lack or desire on my part, lack of want or trying. Just seemed physically impossible. This lead to bucket load of upset, worry and avoidance when beginning new relationships which I knew was going to make things worse but I didn’t know how to prevent it. Friends would often comment that maybe it would all be better if I pushed through it a few times, let it become more familiar. This didn’t work. Also maybe if I met the right person it would all just fall into place. I hoped this was so but put a lot of pressure on every relationship I started. Amazingly things have got immensely better in this area. I don’t know if it was the diagnosis that allowed me to understand and therefore accept myself, and take the pressure away from things or if I have just been in a better place with the last few people I have been with. Now with my current partner things couldn’t be better, he understands so well. I don’t feel any pressure, and if I am having an off day or one of my random cannot deal with anyone in my space moments he understands. He doesn’t push me or make me feel bad even if I can’t be intimate or cuddle up. I have never been happier or more comfortable and actually want all these things physically with a person rather than my brain want them and my body protesting profusely. I finally feel okay within myself to admit that these feelings in my body sometimes are okay. They are part of me. My body and my brain sometimes process things differently and can be overwhelmed and that is okay. I will come through it. People won’t all leave me because of it. Not everyone thinks I am freak. I can be desirable and loved for every part of myself. (Even if not by me all the time.)
I am sorry if this has included too much information for some people, it is meant only in an informative manner. Also if there is anyone reading who would like more information or to talk about their own experiences please contact me or leave a message.