Broken and Beautiful…

Firstly, I am by no means stating that people who are on the autistic spectrum are in anyways broken. I didn’t have the greatest parents, suffer from depression and anxiety and have had to have therapy to help come to terms with some of this. Being broken refers more to that aspect and also broken in the sense of feeling different than others, knowing you see the world in a way that is different from others.

The title and reason for writing this blog comes from Kelly Clarkson’s amazing new single broken and beautiful. It has got me thinking a lot about everything I have been through and how I don’t want to be changed I want to be accepted for me, and that I am just as important, and that people won’t try to change me.

The point of this blog is to highlight the parts of me that are beautiful, that are amazing and how my autism isn’t a negative it makes me who I am and brings the positive aspects of my personality to life. For example I am fiercely loyal. This is in every aspect of my life, friendships, relationships and work. Work is a big one for me. I throw myself into work with everything I have, I use it to help support and take away my bad days. Committing to my job each day stops me from thinking about and worrying about other things, it gives me a purpose. I give everything I have and more to my work, often going above and beyond to do jobs, attend meetings etc. I don’t do this to make me look good, I do it because it is good for me. It makes me feel good and honestly once an idea is in my head its very difficult to get it out so I may as well start work on a task as soon as the idea strikes. Rules are something I like, they give reason and control. I can’t go wrong when I follow rules. Work has rules so again it’s a safe place for me. Mostly I enjoy it. It gives me pleasure doing all the little things I do, all the extras I am not expected to do. Yes, sometimes this means people will say I am being used but honestly, I know when things are too much and I have to say I can’t do it. Doesn’t mean I won’t have tried everything possible beforehand but I know where the line is. I retain information about my job amazingly well and often can be called on to remember policies etc. Again I don’t do this to a know it all, I just like having all the information I can have and knowing I can then do my job to the very best of my ability. People say I am crazy sometimes with how committed I am, getting to work early and doing all the extra things I do but I absolutely love my job. It isn’t just a job to me. It is a passion, my life, my heart. It makes me the person I am.

This loyalty translates through to my relationships with people too. If I hold you close to me then I will do anything for you. I will stand up for you always. I will protect your secrets like my own and it takes an awful lot for me to loose this loyalty I have for someone. Again sometimes in the past this has resulted in me being played, or used by people and I have to listen to other people close to me to know when a situation isn’t necessarily right. But overall I think this is a positive aspect of my autism. It means I do my very best to be a good friend, I am trustworthy and love to an unconditional level.

Another aspect that I love about my autism is my ability to remember scenes and moments from tv shows and films that I love almost perfectly. Yes this is because of complete immersion in to them but I love being able to remember facts and information from them, some of this information even comes in handy within other topics and if not it still gives me something that I can have full blown conversations with, without the social worries that come from general chit chat. This skills gives me a good attention to detail (about things I am paying attention to, don’t ask me a question about the person that just walked by I didn’t even notice them) which can be handy when recalling an event of remembering where something was as I can picture the scene or experience in my head to recall things.

I have very little danger. Yes this can be a very dangerous aspect of being autistic but for me, so far, it has always served me fine. I am not afraid of spiders, so often become the person rescuing them, using my bare hands to pick them up and deposit them somewhere safer and away from everyone else. I will climb up or over to retrieve things if needed, fences, ladders, bin stores, through windows, onto sides whatever is needed really with very little thought or worry over the consequences of me falling. This is also helped by the fact that I seem to bounce, I am very accident prone (probably due to undiagnosed dyspraxia when I was younger) but I never seem to seriously hurt myself (fingers cross, touch wood and whatever). I always manage to just bounce back and carry on, normally covered in bruises but what’s a few bruises hey? I also have a high pain fresh hold, takes quite a bit to actually hurt me. This is probably due to how much I have hurt myself over the years to be fair but I am taking it as a positive.

These are only a few things but I have been really been working on trying to see myself within a positive light more, see the positive sides to my autism. It would really help with me this if anyone who reads that knows me would comment or message me with any other things that they like it would be nice to hear them. This isn’t a way of gaining attention its about raising awareness of the fact that autism isn’t bad, it doesn’t make you less, it makes you unique and I would love to know the things people think make me unique. This will also give me ideas for the types of things to write about and go into more detail about ‘why’ in the future.

Thank you again to everyone who does take the time to read these, I hope they continue to be informative and also give you a little bit of an understanding from inside my mind.

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