When I get used to new things I come to rely on them…

Feeling poorly this morning which I hate. I don’t do very well with being ill, I see it as a weakness and I don’t like showing any sign of weakness because I feel like I am going to be judged for it. I know that’s silly. Everyone gets ill and that cannot be helped. Sometimes I really do need to be less hard on myself and have realistic expectations…not something I find easy!

Anyways on with todays update. I wanted to begin by thanking everyone who read my last post and commented or sent me messages regarding the aspects that they like about my autism, and how they make me well me. I thought to begin I would look into some of these in a little more detail. (staying positive whilst battling feeling poorly). One common message that came from the messages is that my passion is infectious, and my nature makes me a peacemaker. This relates mainly to my job. As I have said before I absolutely adore the job I do, and I am very passionate about it. I do think that this positivity helps to support my team and me being this way allows them to access their passion and remind them why they enjoy doing the job too. It takes a lot for me to feel overwhelmed whilst doing my job as its my safe place and I think this helps to support my team and keep them from becoming too stressed out too.

One of my favourite comments and one which I keep revisiting to read again was “Your different way to approach things makes people stop and re-think, you have an understanding that is on a different level, you ‘feel’ things rather than think them perhaps?” This comment really hit home to me, it made me think about how I feel about the children in my care, my relationships and everything and I think this absolutely sums up the way everything is processed. I do feel rather than think. This explains the additional sensory output and overload that I feel, especially when dealing with trickier situations. Everything within me is more intense because of this. I wish I could articulate better what I am trying to put across but basically being autistic to me, is about how it isn’t just my brain that reacts to everything, I feel it in every part of me. This is a positive because it allows me to be empathic, it makes me fight for the children so they get the best from nursery they can, it gives me an understanding and love, especially for any children whom have additional needs, and makes me the practitioner that I am at work. It may be exhausting feeling rather than thinking and in my personal life especially, but I wouldn’t change this aspect of myself if it meant it would change the type of person I was with the children.

My wonderful partner has decided that everyone with autism has what he refers to as superpowers (which makes me tremendously happy given my avengers/iron man obsession!) which, yes may make us seem different but actually are amazing features within us. One of the main ones for me is he thinks I am very intuitive when we watch tv programmes, I often comment about what’s going to happen, it drives him crazy just as much as he thinks its cool though I’m sure. I’m not sure if this is really a superpower or just that he doesn’t pay enough attention but the point he is trying to make is the most important. I do agree, everyone I have ever come across with autism has their own superpower. It may not be obvious at first, especially in nonverbal situations but we do. Whether that be being amazing in subjects such as maths, able to retain bucket loads of information about things we are interested in, feeling rather than thinking, whatever they are give us a unique way of viewing the world. A unique way of handling situations or addressing a problem. Yes, sometimes these are the things that make it most difficult for us to function in ‘normal’ situations but when people take the time to see beyond the difficulties they may find a way to see things differently and actually benefit from our approach.

I have recently started watching a programme of Netflix called Atypical. The programme is about a teenage boy of 18 who is autistic. He is high functioning and it has been such an interest to watch. Although I am what people would classify as higher functioning than Sam, the boy in the programme, so much of what he says and feels and does is what my brain is dealing with all the time. I am just able to deal with it and not show it as much. Of course, there are differences, no person with autism is the same just like no person is the same, but it is even helping me to deal with and address some of the things I deal with daily. Whilst watching an episode last night one line that really stuck with me was “When I get used to new things I come to rely on them.” Here Sam is discussing how new situations are so difficult but yet once he becomes used to the new, he relies on these. This is something I feel strongly. I hate new, breaks in routine, meeting new people, changing rooms at work or nurseries etc but once I get used to the change, I heavily rely on it. Therefore, my relationships can become so obsessive to begin with. It takes a while for me to build relationships but once I do, I cling to this. This statement sums up my life.

Well I feel like I have blabbered on enough for this week but thank you again for taking the time to read, please share away, until next time…

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