When the things I am immersed with ‘change’ or ‘go wrong’

This is one of the hardest aspects of my autism for people to understand. When I am immersed and obsessed with something everything is effected by it. I have much more control over this now I am older but the fallout when things don’t go to plan can still be pretty significant.

The problem is most of my obsessions are tv show related or film character related. These can be unpredictable. I don’t have a say over events that happen or how and when series end. As discussed previously I tend to fixate on a strong female character within the sho w and then invest myself in their happiness and their happy ending as it were. Now happy endings aren’t always achievable in television and drama is a huge aspect of what gets people watching. Logically I know this. I know I cannot predict or have any control over these events, it is silly for me in invest so much of myself in them and becomes so immersed. I know this. But I cannot control or help it. Its not something I can just shut off or stop it is a very real and needed part of myself. Obsessions helps me to feel safe and gives me a focus when everything else is too much so its not something that I can just step away from.

Examples of things within shows which disrupt my balance are couples breaking up, characters leaving a show or characters dying, even shows coming to their ends. Sara, from CSI was a huge obsession of mine, including her relationship with another character Grissom. It took years for them to get together which I managed to deal with well considering. However not long after they got together the character ‘left’ her job with the CSI and Grissom. Yes, many fans were upset and of course there are people who were committed to the show and were upset by things like this however to me this was a catastrophe, and that isn’t an exaggeration. I went into a complete meltdown, which wasn’t helped by the fact that I was severely depressed and suffering anxiety at the time. I didn’t know how to cope or what to do. I felt it all over, my heart ached, my body felt overwhelmed and my brain couldn’t process that this had happened, even though I knew it was coming. It got so bad that I cut myself, I cut an SS onto my forearm (her initials) and literally cried constantly. I was jumpy and anxious about everything, sensory overload was extreme and functioning was very difficult. It took everything in me to process and deal with something that most people would have moved on from rather quickly. Thankfully this situation sorted itself out and eventually did end up happily, but that isn’t always the case. Eventually I do end up finding a new obsession which takes the edge off but I cant say I ever truly get over these things. When I was younger I watched a programme called peak practice, this ended with two characters falling off a cliff. They never did a new series. I was only a young teen when this happened, and most people can not even remember this programme now but I still think about it. I can still picture the moment.

I wish I could put it into better words what it feels like when I have to go through this. It can absolutely feel like the end of the world to me even though logically I know it isn’t. I know I can survive and will come through it, even if I never move on, but at the time and for a good period of time after it really feels like it. It is completely draining for me coming through the process and dealing with the aftermath. My brain is buzzing, even more than normal. I go exceptionally quiet, but that is just me trying to deal with everything, I’m not purposely shutting myself away I just need time for my brain to readjust to create a reason why this is okay and why I do not have to fall apart.

People often tell me I am being overly dramatic or emotional within these times and that I should just get over it because it isn’t real. The show isn’t real and the characters aren’t real. How can I explain to them what these mean to me? How much if myself becomes invested, how to me its not ‘real’ but it is. How much it helps me having a connection to the characters. How much I have learnt and how I learn socially from these people too. How I put my faith in the idea that if these people can be happy then so can I? Loosing something this close to me or having to deal with the change and adaption that it throws at me is a big thing. Its loosing part of myself. Its what makes me feel different and isolated when everyone else can adjust so easily.

Note to people whom know me- this is currently something I am going through…again…

Love, 3000, Always x

Tammy

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