I have been thinking a lot recently about how people may see me and think about the fact that I am writing the blog. It isn’t because I want attention or want people to feel sorry for me in any way. I just want people to understand. I am not doing it to gain special treatment or to try and show that I am better than anyone else. I want people to understand the different ways that autism can present and how just because it isn’t in your face when you meet someone doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. I want to raise awareness, I want to support others, I want to be understood by the people in my life. I want them to know why sometimes I get upset when I shouldn’t, or don’t understand or react they way they expect. I want to feel empowered, like my autism isn’t this negative thing that has haunted me throughout my life. I just want to be me and for that to be okay.
Moving on… the smallest things from people mean the most to me. When people remember the little things I am interested or obsessed with and use these in conversation with me makes me feel so happy. Recently my partner and amazing friend have been using the love you 3000 quote related to iron man, it literally makes me want to cry when they do. The fact that they think to use it without my prompting just shows me how much I mean to them. I hate being so emotionally needy but the truth of the matter is I am. I struggle to see and understand why people would want to be close to me, I need a lot of reassurance throughout a relationship no matter how long I have known the person. I cannot seem to accept that people are going to stay in my life. Little comments, terms of endearments and declarations of love really tame the worry inside me and help me to stop the heart aching clench inside me when I think I won’t have someone in my life. I hate that I need these things, I know not everyone is good at expressing their feelings (hell I’m not great myself) and not everyone needs or likes saying it often to people but it really does help support me. I will often randomly message my close friends asking if things are okay between us or whether they love me. Its ridiculous and horrible to feel like I’m begging for it. Often the response is why wouldn’t I or why would something be wrong with our friendship, which of course makes sense nothing has happened. I wish my brain would let this be enough evidence but honestly it isn’t. I work of evidence and facts, I like them. You can’t misjudge facts and evidence to me is clear, you can read it, understand and make a fair judgement from it. In a relationship or any kind the evidence to me are these little moments. The things and actions of people. I can’t just accept from someone saying of course. I need to see it, the random moments are the best form of evidence. The sweet little thoughtful gifts people give with quotes or memories are the best too, or anything to do with my immersions but that’s a different happiness.
Living by evidence hasn’t always been in my favour, especially on the side of mental health. I truly believed that I would never find someone to spend my life with and the evidence was all there to support it. It wasn’t just me being melodramatic or worrying about things, overthinking them there was a clear set of things which had happened or facts that supported my theory. I had numerous failed relationships, which mainly happened because of the fact I struggled with intimacy and closeness, kisses, hugging and intercourse all made my skin prickle and made me want to retreat. My obsessions are my life, my job included. Then there is the fact that I struggle to meet people. I don’t like going new places, and I like my routine. Seeing the same people, so where exactly was I meant to meet someone. If I did actually meet someone how could I act ‘normal’ so that they didn’t think I was a crazy weirdo, and how was I meant to have a conversation when I struggle to small talk. If I actually made it past this stage how long before they got bored or frustrated with me and the way I need to be. Then my age was going against me too, I hit 30 and that means my biological clock is ticking down, physically my body was going against me more than it already was. I am not ‘pretty’ I don’t know how to do anything with my hair or how to do much makeup at all. I don’t know what I look good in. How was I ever going to be a catch to someone. Then I met my partner Justin and everything I thought I knew and believed in changed. He loves me for exactly who I am, he understands me and wants me anyways. He takes care of me when my autism makes days or moments difficult. Physically everything has changed. I am comfortable with him and can have a ‘normal’ relationship both emotionally and intimately. Of course there are certain things I still struggle with such as breath on my face, but rather than get frustrated with me, he gets it, pushes boundaries sometimes, but will always respect that this is just who I am not something he has to try and change. It still amazes me everyday. The evidence told me I would never find love. Everything within me believed it wouldn’t happen. My autism still can’t always handle that its true and this is real but here I am living it. So maybe sometimes evidence just isn’t everything. Maybe evidence can be misread, misinterpreted. Its not about finding someone who will tolerate me, it was about finding someone who just saw me.