So this week hasn’t been the easiest for me. Sunday evening resulted in a large Autism meltdown, justified, but still hate having them. It left me feeling drained, emotionally and physically, exhausted and with a rather large bruise to show for it on my arm.
Obviously the people close to me knew exactly what the bruise meant right away, but this is the first time I haven’t tried to hide the fact from everyone else. Normally I will make up some excuse, for example that I have hit it at majorettes, walked into something or just say I’m not sure how I did it. I always thought it was just easier, less explanation needed and honestly, I was worried about the judgment. Worried that people would take it as self-harming, think I was doing it for attention or that they would think I was falling apart and couldn’t cope when this isn’t the case. It isn’t as simple as that, and its not self-harming in a typical sense. This time round I decided I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t lie about it and say it is something it isn’t. Not when I am doing this, working so hard to raise autism awareness, work on my own autism and want acceptance for myself and everyone else who is on the spectrum.
When people have asked me during the week, I have told them the truth. I haven’t hidden the fact I have bitten, how can I when I have previously written about it in my blogs as something I do. If I created a lie then there would be speculation anyways. Amazingly this time everyone seems to have been fine with it. Of course, not happy, even I am not happy with it, but I know I cannot help it and I cannot now change that I have done it, but everyone seems understanding of it. No-one has questioned my performance at work or suggested I am in any way not coping and to me that is a relief. I hope it’s a start. Admittedly I would like to wish more that I never had to feel that way and go through it again but I know the chances of that are near on impossible. Acceptance and not seeing me differently is a very good start. One I am happy to take as progress.
The end of the week I did manage to achieve and do something I really struggle with though. I went out on Friday night with some of the girls from work for a few hours. I haven’t been out with them much, purely because I panic and struggle to build myself up to go but I managed it this time. There were about a gazzilion times where I wanted to pull out of going and seriously considered it a few times.
I wish I could explain how difficult it is sometimes. I can have all the want in the world to do something but the panic of the unknown plus the disruption it creates to my routine just makes it feel like hell inside. I know once I am out I am usually okay, have a good time even but its never easy. I purposely said I would attend for only an hour or two so I didn’t pressure myself to do anything more if it was too much but I have to admit I genuinely had a nice time and I enjoyed spending time and chatting with them all.
The girls I work with are all so lovely and understanding and I genuinely don’t feel judged at all by them. I think part of that has been my honestly from the beginning. I haven’t tried to hide a single aspect of myself or how autism affects me. I have told the truth about every last sometimes horrible detail and the stuff that makes me great too. I don’t want to hide away any longer. I have spent so much of my life just trying to fit in and become everyone else’s version of norm because it was what I thought I needed to do to be accepted, to progress, to show my strength but actually sharing this, the real me letting my autism be seen and not hiding it away in the shadows is real strength. Not accepting the arrogance and bullying from others because of things shows my real character and inner strength and I am finally proud of the person that I am. Its not easy by a long shot and the way people treat me or comments still hurt like hell but I am proud to be standing up to everyone, including my inner demons.