To my Monkey, my Tink and my penguin loving Porgie…

This weeks post is a little different and parts of it may seem off topic. This weeks topic is a dedication to three super important people in my life. My little sisters. This post has taken me a while to write, I have been avoiding it for a few weeks now really but the time has come.

Recently my sisters have moved to a place called the Isle of Man. This means that I will not get to see them every week like I have done. This is a huge deal for me. Not only does it completely mess with my routine and mean I have to deal with the autism meltdown and anxiety that this creates within me. I have known that this was coming for just over a year now and I have worked hard to try and prepare myself. I know this is a great opportunity for them and I only want what is best for them but just because logically I know I cannot stop of control this doesn’t make it any easier to accept or for my brain to really be okay with. It will take time but I will adjust. I have before. When I went to university I was only seeing them for one weekend or week a month usually. But this will account to the longest period of times that I have spent without them since they were born.

All my childhood I really wanted an older sister… yes I am quite aware that’s an impossibility really but I really did. I guess I felt like if I have an older sister they would understand me. I hated being an only child at times, especially with such absent parents. When I found out that my step mum was pregnant I was absolutely ecstatic! Finally I could feel like I had a family! I didn’t realise that this would also create many issues such as feeling homesick for the first time in my life and not understanding the feelings inside me. But I wouldn’t change a single struggle or moment I have had with them.

Let’s begin with my eldest little sister, my monkey moo! (Not 100% on where this nickname came from) you will always be the person that changed my life, that redefined what love was like and how much I could love one person. Gaining you in my life was the most wonderful experience. It resulted in a lot of change. I’d never been obsessed with someone in my family before so this was a new experience. I wanted to do whatever I could for you and more. The idea of loosing you battled away in my head and caused my anxiety to reach an all time high. I wanted to spend all my time with you but knew I still had to attend school and everything. Being 16 meant I could help out with you a lot but I still struggled to adjust. It took some time for me to find my place and know that I wasn’t going to loose you or that I wasn’t good enough for you and to not be overwhelmed with the need to be in your presence, watch you sleep or play. Your personality has and always will be strong willed. You know your mind and are as sassy as they come! You are your mother’s daughter through and through but that’s a good thing. Things can be hard for you right now because you jump straight to annoyed or angry and sometimes you do struggle to see others points of view but you know what it makes you an amazingly strong individual who sticks up for what you believe in and always have the people closest to you’s back (even if that has resulted in you getting into trouble), you love with everything you have and no matter what have made my life a much brighter place. I know that certain things have been the hardest for you but you do amazingly well with it all. And I am always here to support you and for you to talk with. No matter what the subject.

Next, my Tink. My mini me in all the good and all the bad ways. Yours is probably the hardest to write because watching you and seeing all my traits reflected back at me makes me feel an overwhelming love and admiration and yet a heart wrenching guilt. I do not want you to struggle in the same ways that I have. I want you to be happy and carefree like I see in you now. You live your life to be you and I admire that. I love watching how carefree you are currently and I do not want that to change. Ever since the beginning there has been a connection between us, this doesn’t mean I love any of you any more or less but something with us clicked. You were the more sensitive one. Often misunderstood and called emotional over the smallest things. The polar opposite to our monkey. When you were really little this lead to people getting frustrated with you but I got it, I could understand exactly how you were feeling. I felt like I could support you, help you through these times. You became as obsessed with me as I was with having sisters. You only wanted me to get you dressed, put you in the car seat. You doted on me. I guess these were the first signs that you are so similar to me but I didn’t yet have my diagnosis. The older we both get I see more and more of our similarities. I try very hard not to project. I am not saying you are autistic. But I also wouldn’t be surprised if you were. You are so bubbly and happy and have a completely different family support system to me that even if you are it will hopefully never really effect you negatively in the way it has me. You can focus on all the amazing positives it brings you, like your need to always follow the correct rules and ensure everyone else does, your passion for the things you are into and enjoy, your never ending love for me, your favourite superhuman and the way you never seem phased by anything. You remind me and help me to see all the positives within myself. Never change. Be whomever you desire to be and know that you have my support no matter what!

Finally my penguin loving porgie! The amazing mixture of all the others traits rolled into one! You are the reason I fell in love with Makaton signs and know how much it can support communication even when there is no additional need! You refused to talk because the others would do it for you, I was on placement at the SEND school and picking up a few signs which I decided to try with you. You picked them up amazingly and in no time was using language alongside them. You helped to create this passion in me and my want to use it more throughout my career with all children. You are always so positive and by my side. I watch you socially and am amazed. You make friends so easily and have so many. You are a social butterfly and as much as it overwhelms me it thrills me to watch you thrive in any environment. Penguins have been the animal you have loved for as long as I can remember, and me won’t bring up the whole mungo/ mumble fiasco! It is the thing about you that is truly unique. As the third and youngest you often follow the footsteps of the other two, sometimes shadowing your personality in their likes and interests that it can be difficult to see your true desires. Penguins are the one thing that at uniquely you and I will always associate them with you no matter what. You have been so resilient through your early life and have taken everything in your stride continuing to be happy and love life. I want you to be you. Continue doing the things you enjoy and for you whether they fit in with everyone else or not. You have always been the one to resolve conflict by giving in, when you were little giving the toy to the person who wanted it even if you were playing with it, but please remember what you want is important too!

I know this weeks blog doesn’t discuss as much of my autism as normal but this was important for me. Writing is my tool for accepting myself and dealing with my inner feelings. Saying goodbye, even if only temporarily has been the hardest thing for me. It hurts. My brain is trying to process and put all the pieces back together in a way that makes sense and doesn’t hurt. I am trying to throw myself into other things but due to other circumstances this has proved more difficult than I envisioned but I will continue to try. I will focus on the good things and know that they are always part of my life. I am always always here for them if they need me. I just hope that they don’t forget me. I guess that’s my biggest fear. That I will no longer be an important aspect of their lives anymore. They won’t need me but I will continue to need them.

I love you girls three thousand, I love you more and it is not possible for you to love me more (I win this time!)

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