I probably shouldn’t be writing what I want to write about today, but my blog is all about expressing myself, and this is the hardest thing going on in my life currently. Things may come across a little vague throughout and I apologise for that in advance but there is a very good reason why.
This week has been very tough for me. Everything I thought I knew, thought I was building towards has changed. Been ripped out from underneath me. Being told I will never achieve something because of the thinking that I cannot handle it has resurfaced a lot of things I thought I had dealt with.
I don’t feel good enough at all anymore, even at something that I have always known to be a strength of mine. I feel played and manipulated and unsure of my position anymore. I have spent months and months talking about how autism is my superpower and all the things it does benefit for me in my life but right now I am reminded of the negative. Not the fact that I cannot handle this situation, because I believe I could, but that I trust too easily. I believe too much in the word of people and will give the benefit of the doubt and allow myself to be used, abused and believe wholly in something or someone which I clearly shouldn’t. Even when others try to tell me, try to explain I still believe. Right now this is shattered. I put over 10 years of my life into something, for absolutely nothing.
I would like to say it isn’t because of my past with anxiety and depression or because of my autism. I would like to say that I’m not being victimised, again, but the truth is I cannot see how I am not being penalised because of my condition. This is what I hate the most. I cannot even do anything about it because they are too clever, have done it all in a way that doesn’t make it look like this is the reason. I see people who shouldn’t be, or who have done nothing but similar to me given opportunities and I can’t help but wonder why not me? The only difference is my autism.
Maybe I really am just assuming and thinking the worst, because really what evidence does society give me to think differently? To really think that I can stand up and advocate for anyone with autism when I cannot even achieve myself? I cannot make people see that I can do things, prove myself worthy.
I can not decide whether I am blaming myself and my autism or whether they are really using my autism and past. I am hating on myself for not being able to prove to them I am better than they think I am, and then even more so for blaming my autism myself.
I want to scream give me a chance, let me prove to you, but in their eye’s, they have already given me these opportunities. I really thought I was doing everything right. Everything I could to show them. I honestly believed I was good enough. Good enough to do it and to break the stigma that comes with autism. I thought I could be different. One of these people that others on the spectrum or whom understand autism would look up to, inspire towards, could change the world. Now I can’t even fix my own world let alone be a role model to others.
I am left feeling defeated and questioning my next move. I cannot sleep because my brain is buzzing overtime and all I want to do is hide away, immerse in a bubble, bury under the covers and let obsession take me under so I can feel the happy buzz that I know still resides deep within me, the side that knows that everything else in my life is amazing right now and shouldn’t I be hanging onto the positives as they are such amazing things, but the melancholy seeps over my skin making me feel jittery, on the edge constantly, like a meltdown is imminent and any sensory overload will push me over the edge. I am clinging on right now, battling inner demons and trying my best to show control and respect and not be upset like everyone expects me to be, because somehow not crying over it will mean that I am stronger than they think and not let them win when in reality I know I am only hurting myself further.
I know that most of this has been a rant, with no real explanation to what is going on but I cannot do it. No matter how much I want to I still have some silly notion of protection over them.
This is my brain every minute or every day at the moment. Buzzing over and over with these thoughts and trying to process a situation without much logic. The autistic brain is so hard to shut down at the best of times, when events like this are added nothing seems to help. It leaves me feeling exhausted but hyper aware, tired but wide awake, defeated yet determined. Unsure yet positive.