Years ago I wrote a comment down in one of my notebooks… I lay here at night wondering, wondering if anyone will ever figure me out. I wonder if anyone will find out the secret I’ve been hiding for years, if anyone will ever really know me and then it hits me…
This comment was initially about how I felt about myself, that I wondered if anyone would ever really understand me or know the real me. I then used this quote to go on to begin writing a story but that’s another matter all together, recently I have been drawn back to the story that I began and in particular aspects of this comment. Finally, I feel like I have began to address this. I have realized that as much as I desired for others to know me and to understand me it was first important for me to understand myself. This was before my diagnosis came about and I didn’t know my own mind, what was different about me and why. I was still trying to conform to the world around me and be normal, fit in with everyone in the way that I felt would make me normal. Writing my blog has been my way of exploring this and expressing myself, allowing everyone to see every aspect of me and to understand what makes me tick and how my autistic brain works. I finally feel like my whole life, my being, the thoughts within me which I locked away are not secret anymore. Finally people can really know me.
There have been lots of question recently over whether my blogs are a good thing to be doing, and whether they are causing me more harm than good in regards to different aspects of my life, but I know they are a positive. They help me in ways that I could not imagine. I am not always very good at expressing myself, and don’t even always realise that I hide so much of myself away without thinking of it. My blog allows the people close to me to see the bits I naturally hide away, unlocks the parts of me that I struggle to express. Whilst I know that it helps others to understand autism in a different light.
I know I am obsessed with my autism now. But is it a bad thing that my obsession is now related to something that is actually important? Not meaningless, that it makes me want to help and support others, advocate and stand up for myself? I am finally at ease with myself enough to want to stand up for myself and not to be used and manipulated by others and okay this may mean that I react in ways that people don’t always expect but I believe it is important for me to be able to express myself too. To be able to say when I don’t think a situation is right of fair. I have spent my whole life trying to fit in with everyone else and to conform to how they want me to be but I want that to be a balance now. I know there are things and times where I have to be the one to try and understand and be like everyone else, I cannot expect people to understand me if I don’t try to understand them too, but I also believe that there are times where I should be the one accepted too. My autism should not be used against me or seen as a negative just because I see things differently to others.
I want to make the world a better place, a more accepting place. I want to share my thoughts and ideas and help to educate the world on autism. I think that this is a positive way of channeling my desire and need to immerse and obsess. I know it wont take away the other things I obsess over but this has got to be better right? Its not that I am playing or using my autism in any way I am just more comfortable and accepting of myself, which is what everyone always says is best right?
Drawing back to the quote which started this section I have begun thinking about writing again, not just my blogs or putting them together to create a book on autism (which might I add is going very well recently! Hopefully news to come shortly!) but also about writing non fiction again. I used to love making up stories, projecting certain feelings into characters and then creating their lives. Writing has always been a passion of mine. Heaven knows if the story will be any good or if I will ever even complete it (seeing as I am continuing a story I started years ago now…) Maybe one day I can become a best selling author (yeah right!) but for now I am enjoying letting my imagination flow.