The feeling of missing people is one feeling I particularly struggle with. I think that this comes down to how in some aspects, once I have moved on that’s it I’ve moved on. I do not know what to do with the feelings like this. I cannot put into words exactly how it feels and I do not know what to do to make things feel better. How can I take away the feelings I have when I am not in a position to see the person/people?
Right now, I miss my sisters. Until now I have done well with these feelings and not had them bother me too much. Obviously I have missed them and hate not seeing them all the time but I have coped with talking to them, messaging them and knowing that they are happy. This weekend I am feeling it. I think this has been enhanced by the feelings I had within last weeks blog with missing friends.
It has suddenly become real that this will be the first ever Christmas that I will spend away from them completely. I know in theory I could go over to them, but at the moment with me moving into my flat and everything I just don’t think I will be able to afford it this year.
I have spoke to Maddie and Morgan quite a bit and honestly this really helps, hearing what they have been up to and video calling feels like I am with them. I haven’t spoke to Tegan so much. I understand, but I miss her. I miss cuddling up with them all on the sofa, talking about superheroes or school, playing board games and the playstation with them. Even just sitting beside them basking in their presence.
It is not their fault in any way, it isn’t anyone’s fault. I am immensely happy and proud of them, I really really am and I would not want to take this opportunity away from them. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much to do so. I wish I knew what to do and how to process the feelings so that it wasn’t like this. I hate changes in routines and this has been one if the biggest I have had to endure. Just when I think I had accepted the fact that they had gone I am hit with the realisation that I will miss their birthdays, Christmas, I cannot go to school plays.
It makes me want to cry, retreat, curl up and immerse and stim so that I can forget about everything, but then night hits and my head is filled with trying to process it all. Its making sleeping difficult. I think this is also due to the fact that everything is changing right now and I need things to begin settling down. I need to build my routines and normality again so that it isn’t constantly in my mind. I love my sisters so so much, they turned my life around.