A few random thoughts of the week…

This week I have struggled to find something to write about. There has been a lot going on in my life recently and I think rather than focusing on one specific  area of my autism I will share a range of the things I have been feeling and thinking about this week.

This week I have decided to share on of the things that I use to help support and focus myself. Writing has always been a tool of mine that I have used to help express myself. The written word is much easier for me than spoken at times, especially during difficult and tricky situations relating to my autism. From an early age I have used this love of writing to create stories, these often draw on areas of my own life and things I have struggled with.

I enjoy the process of writing, it helps me to process everything and begin to understand myself. Writing my blog has defiantly supported me in understanding myself and share my experiences and thoughts.

I am not saying I am by any means a great writer or anything of the sort but I know that I can put a story together. English was always my strong point at school and I enjoyed immersing myself into my own little worlds, this is something that has stuck and adapted to include others worlds, such as movie characters and television characters.

I have created a story which if people who know me look closely enough does incorporate much of my own life into, putting this into a character helps me to show the world through my eyes. Although the character I have written isn’t autistic and has very different life to me it is the subtle aspects which draw on myself, how the character is written and the inner thoughts.

I believe that learning these talents and sharing these is an important aspect of autism. I know this isn’t always an easy fete to see, and depending on where on the spectrum someone lays it isn’t always obvious. Use someone’s interest and focus just like you would do with anyone else. If an interest is in dinosaurs then use this to support and develop, make someone feel good about the fact that there is something they are good at and know inside out. Bring them positives.

Writing is the one thing I can use. My intense focus on Iron Man, the programme Castle etc are not really going to help me with anything in my future, other than to feel better and enjoy myself, but writing is a skill that I can try and use, try and make a difference with.

Secondly this week I have been assessing one of my greatest and worse aspects of my autism. Whatever I believe in is something which I will not let go off. This is great for aspects such as peer pressure as I like what I like whether it fits with the norms of the people around me or not. This was most prominent when I was younger and my interest and love was for the girl band Atomic Kitten. None of my friends were big fans of them or any of the people within my year at school, yet I was obsessed. I didn’t care that my friends preferred different music and change who I am to listen to it. This still rings true today, I like whatever music I like whether it fit with what is expected for my age group or with the people around me doesn’t mean anything to me.

This has meant I am less effected by things such as peer pressure and social norms, which means bullying me about these things has very little effect. I will not change who I am. As I have got older this has also helped with me having and sticking to my opinion and views on things. I don’t stand down on what I think is right. I will fight and fight for what I think, this is great as long as what I am thinking is on par with people around me and is actually the right thing. It can be really hard to change my way of thinking in order to see things from others points of view too though. Not that I won’t listen, I will always take in what everyone is saying but I need evidence or for what I think to be proved wrong in order to adapt. Ina  work sense this is great as I am able to follow rules, policies and procedures in an exact manner. This isn’t so good in my own personal life, for example the evidence suggested heavily to me that I was unable to find love. Mainly because I sucked at the physical aspect as I do not always like being touched and the evidence of my life suggested that no one would be able to put up with this. I am not very good at blind faith when it comes to myself and my life. It didn’t matter how often people would tell me things would get better I just couldn’t see it until it actually happened. Now, now I would advocate at how quick life can change around, how things can go from being at their absolute worse to the very best. I went from being suicidal and thinking I would never have the things I desired to finding the most amazing, understanding and loving man in the world and am now on the way to the future that I have always dreamed of. If someone had tried to tell me this a few years ago (in fact people did) I would have been absolutely adamant that this was not going to happen. I know having a conversation with me when I am being stubborn is very difficult and I would like to apologise for this but I know it won’t ever change. I am who I am in this sense. I will listen to your point of view, but I wont ever truly believe it without the evidence to back it up.

Another aspect that is currently on my mind is my return to majorettes. (baton twirling). This has been an aspect of my life since I was five, and something which I absolutely love and adore. I am not that good at it really, too clumsy and little sense of special awareness but I enjoy the challenge and the focus it gives my mind. I had some problems with being there and peoples understanding of my autism and how things effect me, I felt like I was being bullied etc. This is something that we have tried to develop and work on through a series of meetings, which although quite have the outcome or understanding come from that I wanted it was enough for me to begin thinking about returning and seeing how things go. This is where I am currently. I cannot get over the anxiety enough to go back. How will I know whether my troupe actually want me to come back or not? Are they just doing what they think is right because I am autistic and it would be discrimination to not? How will they treat me? I thought these people were my friends, will they still want to be? Will I be able to get over the anxiety enough to actually join in without my autism getting the best of me and me feeling the need to cover my ears or hide away and immerse? I want to go back, I really do miss it but I am too scared, especially right now with everything going on in my life and how this is all making me feel right now? Like I am already all over the place will returning help or make things worse? I don’t know how to make people understand or show them that I am still the person I was before. I hate feeling like this. Not knowing what to do for best.

Finally this week my difficulty in sleeping has really shone this week. I need things in my life to start settling down and I know that there is nothing that I can do to help with sleep until this happens. It is not a problem with falling asleep exactly, it more comes from staying asleep and stopping the intense dreams from preventing me from waking relaxed or rested. Luckily I am a person who can survive on little sleep without it having much effect on me overall. This doesn’t mean having a good nights sleep isn’t still beneficial for me but it doesn’t shut me down during the day. As long as I stay busy I don’t really think about the lack of sleep I have had until I slow down and stop again.

I have tried things such as sleeping tablets in the past but they do not really have much effect. As I said it is mainly the dreams that get me. They aren’t even necessarily about anything that is happening within my life but they are so intense and realistic, when I initially wake the dreams feel so real and I have to try and assess what is happening, even sometimes throughout the day parts of dreams rush back to me and I have to think about whether this really happened or not, almost like de ja vu.

What is most frustrating with the dreams is that when I first wake I can remember them all clearly and I try my best to hold onto them but of course they begin to fade. This wouldn’t be a problem but they sit just outside of my consciousness throughout the whole day, bleeding into my day with odd thoughts, nudging at my brain but never coming fully back to me. I hate this. I just want to remember them or totally forget about them. I cannot stop thinking about them and then part of my focus is always being pulled towards them, this can last for days if other dreams do not come and overtake. Yeah this isn’t anything major but just something that really bugs me.

My apologies for the randomness of todays blog. Hopefully when things settle I will able to be more cohesive in my posts again and get back to what I want this blog to be. Thank you to everyone who sticks with me and continues to read these, it truly means so much to me. It gives me the platform to be myself and know that I am not alone in the world, that people do care about how the world looks to me too.

One comment

  1. Angie · Sep 30, 2019

    “Not that I won’t listen, I will always take in what everyone is saying but I need evidence or for what I think to be proved wrong in order to adapt.” This is me as well. I need evidence before I change my mind. It frustrates me when believe believe everything they read, see, or hear, without first making sure it’s accurate.


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