So recently I have been questioning myself and my career. I love what I do more than anything but more and more recently I have felt inadequate, not good enough.
All my life I have struggled to be like everyone else, to see the world as they see it. Every day is a constant battle to understand and decipher social situations, not feel like an outsider. Working with children has always been the one thing I believed I was good at. Something that came more naturally to me, understanding children is for some reason 100 times easier than adults and I truly believed I was good at it. But now I am questioning everything. Due to circumstances which I cannot discuss too much Ive been made to feel like I’m good enough to be this person anymore. My aim has always been to be the very best for the children, they deserve that! What I do as a practitioner is essential. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to meet their needs. And technically I know that no one is saying I’ve lost this ability, just that I’m not ready for the progression but now I can’t help but not feel good enough at any of it. I feel like such a failure. Striving and feeling good about one thing I genuinely believed was a talent. I’ve never before questioned my career choice but now I’m wondering whether working with children is even what’s right.
Something else that has been on my mind today is that I hate how people sometimes think I’m being overly dramatic or over analysing a situation. I cannot help this. You can tell me to your blue in the face to just get over something but how can I possibly just ignore the myriad of emotions and sensory overload that is stabbing away inside me? I cannot change the fact that my brain processes things differently, I cannot change that some things effect me more than what you think they should. I am just a person trying to be a square peg in a round world. I am doing my very best. Sometimes the feelings inside are so difficult that really all I want and need is to curl up under blankets, take away the sensory overload and be for a while but I can’t do this as often as I require because I am trying so hard to fit into the world which I find myself. Sometimes I am lost and I don’t even know how to begin to be found because no one understands what I’m feeling.