When people switch up the social norms of a situation it can be particularly difficult for me to understand and figure out why? What was wrong with how things were before? Why in heavens did it need to change? Let me give you some examples…
Since moving out we have been to Justin’s parents twice for dinner. Now before I used to go there every weekend, they would be welcoming saying hello and asking me how my week had been etc but then we just got on with the weekend, as if it was normal that I was there and accepted. Now when we go for dinner both his mum and dad will welcome me with a kiss on the cheek. I know I am now a ‘guest’ as Justin no longer lives there but I have been going round to theirs for two years and been given a everyday welcome why now am I being treated differently? I just do not understand it. Why the big change and make such a fuss when we come over now? Nothing has really changed, I only ever used to go on weekends before? It has really thrown me both times this has occurred now. I just expected things to continue to be the same with the way our relationship worked but apparently not. This is the same with dinner itself, we are ushered into the dinning room and dinner is given a lot of thought and effort and we have both times had something ‘special’ for pudding. I thought that dinner was fine before and that his mum was always welcoming with food and everything but this has been more. Like when her sisters and family come over.
My aunt has even had a touch of change when we have dinner there although no where near as dramatic. She still greets us the same and doesn’t have any different expectations in behaviour or anything whilst I am there. I don’t feel the need to ask to go to the bathroom at hers I still feel like it’s a safe place for me, but she has been giving lots of thought to dinner and buying us extra little treats. I guess this is because she is only seeing us once a week rather than every day now so I do understand to some degree. I just never expected or assumed that things would change. I just believed that things would be exactly as they were…just on a less occurring basis.
Why do things have to change like this? Why do I now only feel like a guest at Justin’s parents house? I feel like I do when I visit places I haven’t been much before. Don’t get me wrong at all they are still lovely and none of that has changed. The issue isn’t them it is how I now have to adapt. I think people just think this is easy to do. For me it really isn’t. I get used to how something is. How people are with me and when they then mix this up for any reason it really throws me out. Another example would be if someone whom is my friend randomly treated me really professionally in other circumstances or something. It is really hard to explain and I know that I am not getting my point across how I intend to which is really frustrating but I hope you understand at least the basis of what I am getting at. Why is it that society means we switch up the social norms in these ways? How can anyone who struggles socially, especially those on the spectrum be expected to keep up with these ever changing expectations? It is a challenge everyday to fit in and follow social norms (many of which already make hardly any sense!) without them being switched up on us.
This is something that is really perplexing to me! Not only that but I am also now expected to treat people differently when they come to my home? Why! My relationship with this person hasn’t changed so why do I now have to be over polite. Of course I would now be a host in the sense of offering them a drink and what not but I feel like the whole way I approach them is expected to change and I really cannot fathom why this is. They are still the same person I knew three weeks ago before I moved in. Why act differently with me? and expect the same of me? I am telling you it is absolutely mind blowing! Am I meant to be treating Justin any differently now that we live together because if so I am failing miserably!
If anyone wants to explain this to me or give me any pointers or ideas on how or why or what I should be doing socially now please do! I am just expected to know the difference and the change and I honestly haven’t got a clue!