So this week I am writing about something particularly big for me…I am changing jobs, leaving the company I have worked for what seems like my whole life. For so many years now my life has revolved around my job. It has been the one stable(ish) part of my life. My main obsession, immersion and focus. The one thing that I have relied on as my means of being ‘normal’ ‘functioning’ and its the one thing I have always believed to have been good at, no amazing at. I know I am good at working with children, I am good at understanding children, supporting them and recognising their needs. Making the decision to leave has not been easy, and it has not been something I have come about lightly. I like the consistency, I don’t really like too much change either and I know this role, policies and procedures inside and out and I like that. I like knowing what I am doing. I like being the person people come to for answers because it means I am doing my job well. Leaving means starting somewhere knew, having to have new people get to know me, having to retrain myself and learn new ways of doing things, but I am ready. I never thought I would be what I am.
Things in my current job, well haven’t been ‘right’ for a while. I do not want to go too much into things as this isn’t professional but I am not being treated the way I should be anymore. I have done all I can do, tried my very best to prove myself but I have to accept that it isn’t enough. Now I am finally fulfilling one of my dreams. I have wanted the position I am now going to do for as long as I can remember. I wanted where I currently work, but it isn’t to be so I have finally taken the plunge and am moving. I never thought I would be able to do it, leave, I have loved the company I work for. I didn’t think I would ever walk away, I am also rather stubborn and part of me didn’t want to walk away without proving my point, without showing them that I could do it. I always thought I could manage it. Could go against the grain and come back from my past, overcome the assumption that because I am autistic I cannot do it but I have realised that I am still doing that. I am still achieving, I am doing what I wanted with the company knowing I’m autistic, praising my autism, seeing how passionate and knowledgeable in my field I am and it being exactly what they want without having to change a thing.
When I handed my notice in, I thought I would feel the regret and unsureness that has arisen any other time I have considered leaving but this time it didn’t happen. I felt happy, content and I knew that this was the right decision for me. I even went back to cover at the setting (within the same company) that I started at and worked at for 11 years and if anything was going to make me regret my decision it would be going back here, but I didn’t. It felt nice to go back, like a final goodbye, a way of letting go or everything. This was the building that I literally saw as my home for the majority of this time, the place I had the best and worst times but I always saw as my safe place. Being here was everything to me at one point. I met one of my best friends here. I am ready now. I am filled with excitement and joy and the realisation that I can do and be what I want to be. I can achieve the things I want to in life. My autism, my mental health and peoples perceptions can not and will not hold me back.
I have met some of the most amazing people within my time working for this company and I will be forever grateful for every person I have worked with, I have become a confident and capable practitioner through all of my experiences and I will be forever grateful for this.
I am sure over the next few weeks I will be writing more about work, how I am feeling about everything and assessing some of the things that have taken place, effected me and how I have coped with everything.