Dealing with loss…

This is particularly hard hitting to me right now and something I will never truly be able to explain the complete magnitude of.

If I’m honest I find dealing with people leaving me terribly difficult. When I love, I love wholly. I struggle to let go. I love my brain, and my memory for so many reasons but I really hate the way it makes me with the people I let into my life. I cannot forget them, I cannot move on from them. My best friend from primary school still bounces round in my head, I still have the same love for her that I always did have. This means it is incredibly difficult for me to move on. On top of this I struggle so much with change. It is one area that I really wish I could change about myself. I am not by any means saying that others do not struggle but honestly I know the way I hold onto people is beyond what is considered typical, normal or healthy. I guess its a blessing and a curse. It takes so much to make me walk away from a person or to not keep forgiving them over and over again even when sometimes people tell me I shouldn’t, but it also means that I cannot move on, not fully anyways.

This is probably going to sound absolutely crazy but to me dealing with the loss of a person by death is actually easier than dealing with someone leaving me. Death is more logical. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell at all but I cannot change it. I can miss the person and actually that’s okay. Its allowed. I can miss all the moments we could have made but I cannot change the situation. I can process and come to turns with this. When someone leaves me I am forever missing out on the moments and the new memories that we could have been making. I have to live in a world where I know they are in, without me. I have to know that I am never going to see them again, or maybe I am but they will never look at me the same way again. Never want me as part of their life. I have to live with the fact that it has once again been the case that I am too much for people to deal with and they have walked away from me. I have to live with life knowing once again something I did was enough to drive someone away.

I live in a world where eventually everyone seems to walk away from me. I really do try. I think I am a good person. I give my all and try to be a good friend. I know I can be intense at times. I am obsessive. I don’t always see things the way that everyone else does, I know that. It makes me stubborn and means I don’t always know what to do or how to respond but I also would do anything for the people I care about. Sometimes I really think I have broken the curse and I think I have found someone that really seems to care about me, want me in their life for me, this can even last a few years, I let my guard down and truly start to believe that this person wont leave me but then I guess I become too much. Dealing with the way I can be is draining, mainly because I can be literal, I don’t always see the things or feelings that people think I should and I guess it gets too hard to handle. I do not mean to mess up. I never mean to make you mad. I never intend to misunderstand or be too much. This is why I hate being so naïve and open to people and as much as I try to not let people in I struggle even more to not see the good in everyone. I want more than anything in the world to be accepted and loved. Loosing people makes me doubt everything in my life.

I love Justin with all my heart, I really truly do but I am still petrified that he will eventually feel the same way that everyone else seems to. That I will be too much for him too. The only blessing I have is our mortgage. I know that sounds terrible but whilst we have that contract at least I know he cannot just leave me. It means I will always have a chance to fix things and make things right. It means that I always get a chance. I hope it means I can always make him love me. I don’t know how to keep anyone, something tethering us together has to be better than nothing right? Anything to keep someone whom I love close.

2 comments

  1. None Other Then Hannah · Feb 7

    I hear you. My self harm has started up again for the first time in seven years. I am a passionate person, and I have faith. I tried to kill myself in Oct 2019. Things become difficult way convoluted story you’re probably not interested in. I have no energy to fight anymore. I stopped trying to be someone else, and if that means no one likes me so be it. I stay sane and less harm comes to myself and those around me. I have been trying to hold down jobs, started school again and am at a loss for words. I did have SSI but it was revoked because my medication has ‘made me well’ a catch 22 that is hell on earth. Do you have any ideas on how to make money blogging? thanks. I’ve got nothing, hate living at home and want to be on my own. Lost my car, stuck at home and suicidal again.

    Like

    • tammywillis4663 · Feb 7

      I honestly understand how you feel, I tried to commit suicide a couple of years ago now and I honestly Never believed that things could get better but they do. And things will feel rubbish at times, like now I feel like I am crashing but I know because I have been there before that I will
      Come back through it. It won’t be easy and it will take time but I will feel better. You shouldn’t have to be someone your not and the right people will love you for you, it’s not easy and it isn’t easy to see but keep pushing forward. Unfortunately I don’t know how to make money blogging, really wish I did too! And I am always here if you need a ear to listen.

      Liked by 1 person

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