This is particularly hard hitting to me right now and something I will never truly be able to explain the complete magnitude of.
If I’m honest I find dealing with people leaving me terribly difficult. When I love, I love wholly. I struggle to let go. I love my brain, and my memory for so many reasons but I really hate the way it makes me with the people I let into my life. I cannot forget them, I cannot move on from them. My best friend from primary school still bounces round in my head, I still have the same love for her that I always did have. This means it is incredibly difficult for me to move on. On top of this I struggle so much with change. It is one area that I really wish I could change about myself. I am not by any means saying that others do not struggle but honestly I know the way I hold onto people is beyond what is considered typical, normal or healthy. I guess its a blessing and a curse. It takes so much to make me walk away from a person or to not keep forgiving them over and over again even when sometimes people tell me I shouldn’t, but it also means that I cannot move on, not fully anyways.
This is probably going to sound absolutely crazy but to me dealing with the loss of a person by death is actually easier than dealing with someone leaving me. Death is more logical. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell at all but I cannot change it. I can miss the person and actually that’s okay. Its allowed. I can miss all the moments we could have made but I cannot change the situation. I can process and come to turns with this. When someone leaves me I am forever missing out on the moments and the new memories that we could have been making. I have to live in a world where I know they are in, without me. I have to know that I am never going to see them again, or maybe I am but they will never look at me the same way again. Never want me as part of their life. I have to live with the fact that it has once again been the case that I am too much for people to deal with and they have walked away from me. I have to live with life knowing once again something I did was enough to drive someone away.
I live in a world where eventually everyone seems to walk away from me. I really do try. I think I am a good person. I give my all and try to be a good friend. I know I can be intense at times. I am obsessive. I don’t always see things the way that everyone else does, I know that. It makes me stubborn and means I don’t always know what to do or how to respond but I also would do anything for the people I care about. Sometimes I really think I have broken the curse and I think I have found someone that really seems to care about me, want me in their life for me, this can even last a few years, I let my guard down and truly start to believe that this person wont leave me but then I guess I become too much. Dealing with the way I can be is draining, mainly because I can be literal, I don’t always see the things or feelings that people think I should and I guess it gets too hard to handle. I do not mean to mess up. I never mean to make you mad. I never intend to misunderstand or be too much. This is why I hate being so naïve and open to people and as much as I try to not let people in I struggle even more to not see the good in everyone. I want more than anything in the world to be accepted and loved. Loosing people makes me doubt everything in my life.
I love Justin with all my heart, I really truly do but I am still petrified that he will eventually feel the same way that everyone else seems to. That I will be too much for him too. The only blessing I have is our mortgage. I know that sounds terrible but whilst we have that contract at least I know he cannot just leave me. It means I will always have a chance to fix things and make things right. It means that I always get a chance. I hope it means I can always make him love me. I don’t know how to keep anyone, something tethering us together has to be better than nothing right? Anything to keep someone whom I love close.