It has been a while since I have wrote anything, honestly with the world the way it is right now I do not feel that anything I write is meaningful. Everyone is copying and adapting in their own ways and drawing on my autism and how I am feeling just feels selfish and small compared to everything that is going on.
I cannot wait for normality to return, in many ways I know this has given the world a chance to heal itself in many ways but I am ready for things to be normal again now. I miss being at work. I am struggling with not being able to be there, not keep my normal routine. I need that stability in my life and now it is gone, once again pulled from my grasp. I cannot help but be pulled back to when I was off work 9 years ago, before my autism diagnosis but at a time where I was really struggling to cope, not knowing why I was feeling the way that I was and I was forced to take leave, medically suspended they called it, until the specialists I had involved at the time had done reports. I hated it. Work is my stability. It is the thing I need to feel normal, to feel like I am succeeding, managing with life. I know that this time is completely different and that the world is having to do this, a lot of people are in the same situation. This is not because of me, because of what people assume I cannot mange like before. This isn’t me being off work because other people think I need to be but because we need to keep people safe. I have to keep reminding myself of this so that I do not slip into feelings of despair. I know it sounds dramatic but to me being at work is such an important aspect of my world. My coping mechanism.
Being off has given me the opportunity to reduce and come off the anti depressant medication I am currently on. I have been gradually doing this over the past few months but it is so difficult as the withdrawal symptoms make me feel so poorly. Mean I struggle to do much other than rest and I hate that. It also means it isn’t something that is easy to manage alongside work and well life. I know that some people dislike the idea of being medicated and if I am honest I hated being on the tablets to begin with, not because I was ashamed of needing the medication but because I have always been against adding more chemicals to my body, my brain is already wired differently I worry about the effects of changing the chemical balance even more, but I had to weigh up the pros and cons and knew I needed something to help me stay stabilised and help me cope. Even now I am only coming off of them because I have been on this type for so long now, and because I was on a very high dosage. Plus the side effects, withdrawal symptoms are horrible. I know there is a very good chance that I will need to go back on some kind of antidepressant moving forward, I am just hoping that I can manage on a medication that is not as strong as this one. I am not ashamed of this. If being on medication helps to keep balance and prevent even some of the negativity from ruling over us then there is no shame in that support. It is no different to needing a crutch to support walking or even an inhaler if it is what keeps us alive.
On a more positive note my wedding dress came this weekend. I do not know yet if my wedding will still be taking place this year but it still made me really happy having it, seeing how perfect it is, how pretty it made me feel wearing it. I never thought I would be getting married and having the dress sends butterflies fluttering through my body, astonishment that it is actually happening, that it is possible.
In conclusion, there is a lot that I am struggling with right now in my life, even though it may seem to many that I am doing well, am happy and I am. I am in a good place in so many aspects of my life and I am so thankful for that but it does not mean that there are not still things that I am struggling with, that I worry about or think about every day. Things I wish I could change or were different. Especially at this time of such uncertainty, but I will hope, I will wish, and I will carry on and hope that one day things are better, things are different, that I won’t always be plagued by missing people, by feeling inadequate and by regret and that one day I don’t feel the way I express below.
No matter what I will always be just ever so slightly on the edge. It doesn’t matter how much I try, how much I pretend to fit in I never really will. I’m always just standing on the outside pretending to understand like everyone else does. Peering in from the outskirts and wondering why it feels like such a battle. People do their best, try and accept me and understand but the truth is they don’t really. I’ve got to a point in my life where I realise to begin with most people ‘like me’ I’m easy to get along with but I’m never quite part of the group, and then the little quirks I have start to add up and people start to realise they really don’t quite get me or they get frustrated with the way I see the world and how I can’t adapt my thinking. Eventually it implodes. People distance themselves. Stop involving me, not on purpose but because it’s easier that way than be frustrated with my way of thinking or dealing with the world. Or full on leave me because it just becomes too much for them to handle. I’m not judging. It’s not your fault. If anything I blame myself.
Even feeling this way I know I have to stay strong, keep sharing my experiences and hope that the more I write the more people will understand what I struggle so hard to express in other ways.
Stay strong, stay safe.