I have been struggling to write recently, not because I don’t have things I want to say or want to share but all the words seem to be choked up inside me, se edge but I am unable to get them out. I am used to this being the case with the spoken word but writing has always been my calming balm to help me sort, organise and share what is going on inside my head. I am struggling with the fact that this isn’t coming easy to me. I have tried writing them down in notebooks rather than through my computer or through my blog as sometimes the flow of holding a pen and writing makes it easier to get everything out to typing but it doesn’t seem to be making any difference.
I would like to be able to say that it is all just because of everything that’s going on in the world right now causing my blockage but the thoughts and anxiety I am feeling isn’t even all related to that. Of course there is a big part of it that is and that’s the easy stuff the write about I can talk about the things covid related that I am struggling with. The fact that shopping has become such an anxiety inducing task due to all the new rules (even though I like rules) and wondering each time I go what the experience will be like this time, the fact that I am hating not being at work and I am really struggling without the routine of this, the fact that I cannot see the people close to me etc. That’s easier. Maybe its because I am home and therefore my brain isn’t keeping as busy which is causing all the other thoughts to circle, for me to struggle with falling asleep and keep memories at bay.
Usually I would claim that one of my favourite aspects of my autism is my memory. I can recall events and moments from my life with such detail still even if it happened years ago. Right now this feels more like a curse, memories swirl around my head and things that happened long ago, and not so long ago are constantly in my mind. This isn’t to say that they are all bad memories, even if they are often related to people I miss and wish I still had in my life the actual memories themselves aren’t necessarily bad. It just means that my brain doesn’t seem to be shutting down as easily. It’s also hard when I communicate with people about these memories and a lot of the time they cant recall, or aren’t really bothered as it happened so long in the past. These moments still mean so much to me, because they don’t feel like they happened forever ago, the feelings I had at the time I can still recall now and therefore the moments still matter to me. They still feel like a big part of my life even if to others they are just an aspect of their past now. Anyways, lots of blabber there but basically this has resulted in my head feeling remarkably full with feelings and memories and thoughts that I just cannot express in the way that I want or need to. Even whilst writing this I am struggling to put into words and explain exactly what I mean. I apologise now for the lack of sense any of this blog has actually made. Hopefully I will be make to normal soon, able to write what I desire.
This should be the prefect opportunity for me to write, I have all the time in the world right now and writing would prevent the boredom and keep my brain busy.
Anyways, continue to stay safe, stay well.