I am not always, in fact most of the time, not very good at putting my feelings into words, and this, writing it often feels like a bit of a cop out. There are times I wish I was better at expressing myself rather than having to wait until I can somehow put it together enough in written form but I cannot and this is better than not being able to express at all. I know this isn’t something that is solely an issue for people with autism but it does make it even more difficult. It can be hard knowing I am feeling something that the chances are will seem like something minor to others, or not be able to physically put into words the emotions I am feeling. Putting emotions into words is hard enough at the best of times, without the additional concerns over how everyone else sees the world, whether what you feel will even make sense to them and the sensory issues which normally increase during moments of distress.
I am struggling right now and I hate that I am so much. I feel like I shouldn’t be. I know I will be better when I go back to work and things are more normal again, more into a routine but I cannot change the current situation in order to make that happen and I don’t know when it will be.
Everything keeps changing and I have no idea when anything and everything will go back to normal. Routines, rules and well life change on what seems like a daily basis right now. I have so much good in my life and I know that, everyone has been so amazing recently doing little things to make me feel better and it does work, I love them for it, but I cannot seem to shake this feeling. Its just so difficult as I cannot look forward to anything because everything keeps changing. I was looking towards and planning the wedding as my motivator but now that has been changed to next year, I am looking forward to my sisters coming back home, but because of the borders I don’t know when that will be so there is no time frame. I have taken to looking forward to Christmas because no matter what that cannot be moved or changed at all! So I am starting to look into present ideas for something to do.
Being down makes everything else begin playing up too, I hate how I look right now, the weight I seem to be putting on no matter what I do, its silly but trying on my wedding dress and planning all the little bits for that made me feel pretty, now I just feel mopey over the fact and I have no right to. Things could be so much worse and I know that, but I also know its okay to struggle and feel low at times too.
There are things that no one seems to understand, and that makes it even harder to put into any words. I cannot move on from things, from people I probably should have by now, I miss them terribly. Still. In particular I had a falling out with a friend in November and there was a lot involved in it which I will not get into because it isn’t fair to anyone, but I miss them constantly. think about them all the time, everything reminds me of them. I feel stuck.
More than anything right now I want normality,
I want to feel like I am living again.
I want to feel loveable and desirable.
I want to stop feeling like this and go back to being grateful for everything and everyone I have because the people in my life are amazing. I still often question whether I deserve the unconditional love and support they give me even when I know I am being grumpy and particularly difficult. I cannot wait for the day that I write something happier again.