Right now there are some big changes happening in my life. This is a huge thing for me, and I know it would be for a lot of people too. I am weeks away from moving out into a flat with my amazing partner. This is most exciting thing I have ever done.
Ever since I was 16 and I realised how bad things were with my parents and felt like I had to stay from place to place I have wished for a home of my own. The rush of all this is exhilarating and I honestly never believed that I would be in this position in my life. Unfortunately I am a very impatient person when it comes to things like this. If I had my way I would have packed all my belongings up and be beating down the door to our new place to move in. I am really struggling with the waiting of it all, it is such a long process and the problem is they can not give any real time frame for anything. I would be fine if I had something to count down towards but I can’t do this. This makes everything feels even more intense. Everything buzzes inside me and I just want to get everything sorted.
The thing I have struggled the most with is wanting to buy everything for our place. I am obsessed with how I want the flat to be and what things we need. My partner has been more practical about this and wants to wait till we know a date and move in, especially with the larger items. Which totally makes sense I know but I want it all now. I want to know that I have everything ready, be able to set it up as soon as we actually have the chance. I can picture how I want everything in my head and I just want everything to be perfect. This also isn’t practical, to begin with we are better of using the things we already have and then building on furniture once we already in and not to spend all the money we have carefully saved over the past months. Also once we can access space a bit better too and know how things are going to fit and look in the space we have rather than basing all my decisions from the photos and measurements that I have. It will be much better when I can actually see everything where I want it properly. Finally of course ordering when we are in makes most sense as this will be less things for us to have to try and move and fit into the cars. (Yes this has been me convincing myself as much as all of you…)
Then there is the other side of the coin, once the adrenaline takes a moment to lower and I realise what a big change this is to me, to my routine. This will mean I have to create a new routine a new normal. I am prepared for this and know that overall I will be fine but this is going to take some getting used to. I know at some point this part is going to affect me and the autism aspect that doesn’t deal well with change will have something to say about all of this and chances are there will be a moment where I have some level of a meltdown but I know that Justin will be there to support me through this, he will not judge me for this or think he has made the wrong decision by living with me. He will make me feel safe and secure.
He has already discussed that he wants to make the place as comforting and sensory friendly for me as possible. This is how much he knows me and accepts me. This is part of how I know I will spend the rest of my life happy with this man.
Other things that are changing in my life is my ability to juggle everything and everyone I care about. As much as I absolutely love Justin and our amazing life together and I wouldn’t change a single aspect for anything but trying to make time for everyone else that I care about has been difficult. Most of this comes down to not Justin himself but the way that I am and process everything. I like to know exactly what is what. The routine of everything. Therefore I have an annoying habit of everything in my head needing to be planed in advance. This means if Justin has already said about dinner for certain days then I will struggle to adapt and arrange to meet up with others. Not because I do not want to see them because I absolutely do so so much but trying to change things round in my head feels very messy and mixed up and I cannot turn my thought process around, resulting in anxiety with the fact that I cannot make everything work or figure it out.
When making time to see others I will plan it in advance so I know what is happening, even this can sometimes cause anxiety because it breaks routine. I like routine so very much. Therefore if I could plan to see certain people on certain days every month for example the first Wednesday of the month or every other Saturday and stick to this routine then everything would be much easier. Unfortunately this is not how other people live their lives and I could never expect them too. I don’t know how to fix this though or to make this work and I hate it. I do not know what is best. I hate that I feel like I am loosing the other people who are close to me because my autism means that I cannot handle trying to change the routine of everything. This makes me feel like such a failure. It is not difficult to plan things week by week. Day by day even, but even if I do not have anything in particular planned and someone asks me in the morning if I would like to meet up with them I still battle with myself and cannot bring myself to do it. Because it wasn’t planned in advance. It wasn’t what was supposed to happen on that day. Even if this means that I sit and do nothing spectacular I struggle to change the plan of well doing nothing. This whole thing probably makes very little sense, I am trying so hard to try and articulate it but it can be so difficult at times to show people, to get them to understand that I am not just being stubborn or melodramatic or un caring in any way, in fact it is the opposite in some ways. I am overthinking, trying to keep everyone happy, struggling to understand how to fit social norms in a world where I know my way of thinking is frowned upon and seen as a derogatory way of dealing with situations, anxiety that is crippling and end up hating myself for the fact that I cannot just handle this like everyone else seems capable of doing.
I am hoping when I move into my flat that this will be much easier for me to mange too. I will not have to feel like I need to split my time between everyone quite as much as I do now because the end routine will still be the same. At the end of the day I will still be going home to the same place, to see Justin. I will not have to feel guilty about missing an evening with him and therefore not seeing him as often. I will be able to just pop out and know that things will be exactly as they should be and need to be when I return. I only need to adapt one aspect of the day rather than negotiate what feels like my whole live, Justin can do dinner for himself because the food will already be in the house and we can use it another day rather than the fact that we get dinner in now and I feel guilty if we don’t stick to the routine of what we have planned, for his sake as well as my own. I will not feel like I am splitting my time with him because I know he will be right there when I return. Again this possibly makes very little sense but its how my brain is currently dealing with and processing everything.
I apologise for the mis match of this weeks update but if anything this shows just how much my brain currently buzzes with everything that it is dealing with and how and why I sometimes respond how I do, and I would like to say these are the only things that it is processing but there is even more that I haven’t touched on as I could go on forever and well that would not make for great reading.