Missing you…

The feeling of missing people is one feeling I particularly struggle with. I think that this comes down to how in some aspects, once I have moved on that’s it I’ve moved on. I do not know what to do with the feelings like this. I cannot put into words exactly how it feels and I do not know what to do to make things feel better. How can I take away the feelings I have when I am not in a position to see the person/people?

Right now, I miss my sisters. Until now I have done well with these feelings and not had them bother me too much. Obviously I have missed them and hate not seeing them all the time but I have coped with talking to them, messaging them and knowing that they are happy. This weekend I am feeling it. I think this has been enhanced by the feelings I had within last weeks blog with missing friends.

It has suddenly become real that this will be the first ever Christmas that I will spend away from them completely. I know in theory I could go over to them, but at the moment with me moving into my flat and everything I just don’t think I will be able to afford it this year.

I have spoke to Maddie and Morgan quite a bit and honestly this really helps, hearing what they have been up to and video calling feels like I am with them. I haven’t spoke to Tegan so much. I understand, but I miss her. I miss cuddling up with them all on the sofa, talking about superheroes or school, playing board games and the playstation with them. Even just sitting beside them basking in their presence.

It is not their fault in any way, it isn’t anyone’s fault. I am immensely happy and proud of them, I really really am and I would not want to take this opportunity away from them. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much to do so. I wish I knew what to do and how to process the feelings so that it wasn’t like this. I hate changes in routines and this has been one if the biggest I have had to endure. Just when I think I had accepted the fact that they had gone I am hit with the realisation that I will miss their birthdays, Christmas, I cannot go to school plays.

It makes me want to cry, retreat, curl up and immerse and stim so that I can forget about everything, but then night hits and my head is filled with trying to process it all. Its making sleeping difficult. I think this is also due to the fact that everything is changing right now and I need things to begin settling down. I need to build my routines and normality again so that it isn’t constantly in my mind. I love my sisters so so much, they turned my life around.

Trying to Juggle the changes in my life…

Right now there are some big changes happening in my life. This is a huge thing for me, and I know it would be for a lot of people too. I am weeks away from moving out into a flat with my amazing partner. This is most exciting thing I have ever done.

Ever since I was 16 and I realised how bad things were with my parents and felt like I had to stay from place to place I have wished for a home of my own. The rush of all this is exhilarating and I honestly never believed that I would be in this position in my life. Unfortunately I am a very impatient person when it comes to things like this. If I had my way I would have packed all my belongings up and be beating down the door to our new place to move in. I am really struggling with the waiting of it all, it is such a long process and the problem is they can not give any real time frame for anything. I would be fine if I had something to count down towards but I can’t do this. This makes everything feels even more intense. Everything buzzes inside me and I just want to get everything sorted.

The thing I have struggled the most with is wanting to buy everything for our place. I am obsessed with how I want the flat to be and what things we need. My partner has been more practical about this and wants to wait till we know a date and move in, especially with the larger items. Which totally makes sense I know but I want it all now. I want to know that I have everything ready, be able to set it up as soon as we actually have the chance. I can picture how I want everything in my head and I just want everything to be perfect. This also isn’t practical, to begin with we are better of using the things we already have and then building on furniture once we already in and not to spend all the money we have carefully saved over the past months. Also once we can access space a bit better too and know how things are going to fit and look in the space we have rather than basing all my decisions from the photos and measurements that I have. It will be much better when I can actually see everything where I want it properly. Finally of course ordering when we are in makes most sense as this will be less things for us to have to try and move and fit into the cars. (Yes this has been me convincing myself as much as all of you…)

Then there is the other side of the coin, once the adrenaline takes a moment to lower and I realise what a big change this is to me, to my routine. This will mean I have to create a new routine a new normal. I am prepared for this and know that overall I will be fine but this is going to take some getting used to. I know at some point this part is going to affect me and the autism aspect that doesn’t deal well with change will have something to say about all of this and chances are there will be a moment where I have some level of a meltdown but I know that Justin will be there to support me through this, he will not judge me for this or think he has made the wrong decision by living with me. He will make me feel safe and secure.

He has already discussed that he wants to make the place as comforting and sensory friendly for me as possible. This is how much he knows me and accepts me. This is part of how I know I will spend the rest of my life happy with this man.

Other things that are changing in my life is my ability to juggle everything and everyone I care about. As much as I absolutely love Justin and our amazing life together and I wouldn’t change a single aspect for anything but trying to make time for everyone else that I care about has been difficult. Most of this comes down to not Justin himself but the way that I am and process everything. I like to know exactly what is what. The routine of everything. Therefore I have an annoying habit of everything in my head needing to be planed in advance. This means if Justin has already said about dinner for certain days then I will struggle to adapt and arrange to meet up with others. Not because I do not want to see them because I absolutely do so so much but trying to change things round in my head feels very messy and mixed up and I cannot turn my thought process around, resulting in anxiety with the fact that I cannot make everything work or figure it out.

When making time to see others I will plan it in advance so I know what is happening, even this can sometimes cause anxiety because it breaks routine. I like routine so very much. Therefore if I could plan to see certain people on certain days every month for example the first Wednesday of the month or every other Saturday and stick to this routine then everything would be much easier. Unfortunately this is not how other people live their lives and I could never expect them too. I don’t know how to fix this though or to make this work and I hate it. I do not know what is best. I hate that I feel like I am loosing the other people who are close to me because my autism means that I cannot handle trying to change the routine of everything. This makes me feel like such a failure. It is not difficult to plan things week by week. Day by day even, but even if I do not have anything in particular planned and someone asks me in the morning if I would like to meet up with them I still battle with myself and cannot bring myself to do it. Because it wasn’t planned in advance. It wasn’t what was supposed to happen on that day. Even if this means that I sit and do nothing spectacular I struggle to change the plan of well doing nothing. This whole thing probably makes very little sense, I am trying so hard to try and articulate it but it can be so difficult at times to show people, to get them to understand that I am not just being stubborn or melodramatic or un caring in any way, in fact it is the opposite in some ways. I am overthinking, trying to keep everyone happy, struggling to understand how to fit social norms in a world where I know my way of thinking is frowned upon and seen as a derogatory way of dealing with situations, anxiety that is crippling and end up hating myself for the fact that I cannot just handle this like everyone else seems capable of doing.

I am hoping when I move into my flat that this will be much easier for me to mange too. I will not have to feel like I need to split my time between everyone quite as much as I do now because the end routine will still be the same. At the end of the day I will still be going home to the same place, to see Justin. I will not have to feel guilty about missing an evening with him and therefore not seeing him as often. I will be able to just pop out and know that things will be exactly as they should be and need to be when I return. I only need to adapt one aspect of the day rather than negotiate what feels like my whole live, Justin can do dinner for himself because the food will already be in the house and we can use it another day rather than the fact that we get dinner in now and I feel guilty if we don’t stick to the routine of what we have planned, for his sake as well as my own. I will not feel like I am splitting my time with him because I know he will be right there when I return. Again this possibly makes very little sense but its how my brain is currently dealing with and processing everything.

I apologise for the mis match of this weeks update but if anything this shows just how much my brain currently buzzes with everything that it is dealing with and how and why I sometimes respond how I do, and I would like to say these are the only things that it is processing but there is even more that I haven’t touched on as I could go on forever and well that would not make for great reading.

Seeing the world differently can make things hard to understand…and make it hard to like me.

This week has really hit home to me how seeing the world so differently can make me feel. There are times in my life that seeing the world from my perspective is a positive and allows me to deal with things differently. It has helped me to get through issues such as my childhood and I believe allows me to be the practitioner I am at work, who will do anything for the children within my care and always give my best to them.

Then comes the time where seeing the world differently makes everything so difficult and so hard to understand. Knowing the right thing to say or do and the uncertainty of how overs will take what your saying or doing and judge you.

I give everything to the things I care about and that isn’t always a good thing. I will stand up for what I think is right even though it gets me in trouble or causes more issues for myself. I know some may say this is good as I stand up for what I believe but it isn’t always good. For starters I can be seriously stubborn in my beliefs and views and struggle to see others points of views when my head is set on something. This means that it can be hard to get through to me and rationalise with me or help me see the others point of view no matter who is wrong or right. Once I come to a decision there is a very good reason I have reached it so trying to turn me around on it is near on impossible. I am not by any means saying I am always right but I usually have a very good reason for feeling or believing what I do and getting me to see otherwise is a difficult task.

I’ve been told that this makes me a very difficult friend. That I can bring people down and it can be hard having conversations with me and support me whilst I am in this mindset. I do not know how to take this. I cannot change how my brain works. I have tried in the past before accepting myself. I am sorry that I am difficult in this way. I really am. I have spent my whole life scared to be honest and talk about things because I was afraid of how people would take what I am saying and that they wouldn’t understand me, I guess I have always known I don’t see things the same as others, neuro typical’s,  even before my diagnosis. For years I strived and pretended, mimicking behaviour and trying to fit in, unsuccessfully and couldn’t fathom why I just couldn’t be like the people around me. Why I found it so hard to understand them and why I couldn’t let go of things or dealt with things the way I do. It still makes me sad that I can be this difficult. I do not do it on purpose or to make things harder. It’s the only way I know how to be. It’s the only way my brain works.

Secondly, I expect others to be the same. I stand up for my friends no matter what and I get very upset if they wouldn’t or don’t do the same for me. Not because they don’t care but because they look at things from every angle, every aspect. Can see both sides of a story or think of the consequences and do not want to get themselves into trouble or make the situation worse for themselves. I cannot do that. I don’t think or care about the consequences at the time. I will stand up for them, say my piece if I need to and then end up taking the brunt of it come back at me. For example there was a time where online someone’s partner but a comment on about my friends children. It wasn’t anything major and could have just been ignored to not cause any further issues and in fact this is what my friend decided to do. I couldn’t do this. I was outraged and had to make a comment. I was not nasty or mean or anything but I couldn’t just let it slide and I would do it again in a heart beat even though I was the one that then got moaned at.

It is exceptionally hard to put this into words without naming particular occasions and I wouldn’t want to people to feel names and shamed because that is not what this is about. It is not about going through and saying all the times where I thought people could or should have stood up for me more or anything it is merely about explaining my side of life and how difficult this particular social aspect can be for me. I have been taught that you do anything for those you love and care about and that they always come first and you should stand up for them…yet apparently this isn’t always appropriate or the right thing to do or way to go about things. How am I supposed to understand the grey area in between and know when I should do or say something and when I should just let something slide?

This week I am feeling negative about this aspect of my autism and that makes me angry too. I know its who I am and that I am striving for autism acceptance and hating myself feels like I am letting myself down but it also highlights just how difficult autism can be. I am not raising awareness because I think that everyone should change their way of thinking to my way, or anything like this. I am raising awareness but it is important to understand and acknowledge how difficult and trying everyday life can be for someone on the spectrum, and the things that you find annoying about them may be the very things that they are battling hardest to understand. ],(o.__

Autism in females…

Obviously this whole blog so far has been about Autism in females in a sense, as I am female but I believe it is important to understand and accept how different autism can present when you are female, or even higher functioning if that’s what you want to call it.

Even though autism is more widely accepted or understood now than what it ever has been before there still seems to be missing or fear in diagnosis in those who don’t scream autism just by looking at them. For those whose signs are less obvious or are better at masking certain aspects. There seems to be a fear within society that suggesting a child or adult may need support when the condition isn’t clear to diagnosis will cause more issues, or upset to the person and the families. As a person who was not diagnosed until adult hood I can assure that although there may be some resistance, denial or anger to begin with in the long run that early intervention is much more important than worrying about what a diagnosis may be or what the families may think or how they may act. It should be easier for these discussions to happen without nurseries, family members or professionals worrying about. I believe that this comes down to peoples understanding and knowledge especially when I comes to conditions such as autism.

Lack of knowledge on the different ways which autism can present itself often make it difficult for people to see or acknowledge some of the signs and can often lead to misunderstanding, thinking someone is merely withdrawn, have behavioural issues etc. I believe this is seen much more with females. More education needs to be given on how autism can present itself within females and the importance of noticing these early signs to allow for the early intervention which will allow support needed to be given, to prevent them growing up in a world where they do not feel understood like I have. To me this isn’t even about the importance of having an actual diagnosis, at the end of the day a diagnosis although an important thing for me, for many is just a word. It is more about the support and understanding for that person than the title of a diagnosis. Therefore even if you do not want to make the call on an autism diagnosis it is important that support is still in place. Ignoring the issue will not make it go away and will not make it any easier for the person to learn, progress, and feel accepted in this crazy world.

I began this as a way of expressing myself but would love to be able to use my experiences and my knowledge to help educate others on how autism presents in females. The lack of knowledge and information in regards to autism in the female population amongst professionals means that many have and will continue to slip through the cracks. I would love to go into schools and nurseries to help promote this understanding and to support families with noticing signs.

I think one of the most important things to remember is that girls will often mask signs and symptoms and are much more adept at imitating others, especially within social situations. As this social aspect is such a huge aspect of an autism diagnosis, it can therefore be more difficult to see the struggles females have in social situations. Girls often want to be more social and therefore understand the benefits of social interactions and often mimic behaviour of the people closest to them. This doesn’t take away the difficulties they have and how understanding different social cues is still a battle. This often results in signs of anxiety and/or depression and with a diagnosis relating to this or personality disorders being given. This was certainly the case for me and then I felt like a failure when none of the medication, treatments or therapies worked for me.

Other signs include:

  • The obsessive and immersive nature I have discussed before, from a young age this can present as obsessions, collections and organisations over toys as well as characters.
  • Toys being friends. Having relationships with cuddly toys for example. Talking with them, creating little worlds and repeating and playing these games over and over.
  • Many people assume that people with autism have a lack of imagination due to the rationality of the way their brain works. This isn’t the case at all. Especially in females on the spectrum. In fact it often can be the case that their imagination is ‘too much’. They become a character for an extended period of time, staying within this role all day at times. Girls will often have a very active imagination, loving mystical and magical books and characters. They may also have imaginary friends. For me I would talk about my ‘family’ and ‘children’ that I had from my imaginary games. I could talk about these as if they were real.
  • It is not always the case that we don’t like physical touch (although this is often true at times.) Sometimes the sensory issues can mean that we seek tight hugs, can be needy in being close to others, often not respecting boundaries and for example standing too close.
  • High functioning girls often immerse themselves in books and reading. For me this was due to these worlds being easier to navigate, expected to be immersive. I especially love books that come as a series so I can become part of their world, or fanfiction about characters I am obsessive over.
  • Females can be very emotional. They often have great empathy but lack the ability to deal with all these emotions.
  • Finally, we can be social. Especially due to the ability to mimic behaviours but following this may isolate and need a lot of time alone. Sometimes I just need me time, even if I feel lonely. I can want someone to be with me but need them just to be there and let me be myself, not too close to me, not talking to me too much, just being around.

I hope that some of this gives a greater understanding. I think it is important that we prevent as many females slipping through the cracks as possible. No, it may not seem as bad as how others on the spectrum but it doesn’t take away the struggles that we do have. In fact people have a higher expectation on you to be ‘normal’ respond like neurotypicals do and people tend to have a lack of empathy towards our feelings and reactions during situations. This needs to change. Do not take away the difficulties that I have just because I do not look ‘autistic’. I can assure you I am!

conquering my past…

So today I had to do something really difficult. With my own impending move I decided that it was time to revisit my childhood home and collect anything from there that I want to keep. My relationship with my mother is strained at best and I haven’t been back there for 7 years, which was only to collect a couple of things I needed. I have known I needed to go back for a while now but have been avoiding it in an attempt to protect myself but I have only been holding back the inevitable and building myself up over it more than I should.

I decided last weekend to just bite the bullet and ask my auntie to arrange it for me. This week in the evenings I have been very on edge, grumpy and short and I know it. Sensory wise I have been against touch and aggravated by little things like being accidently brushed against more than what I usually am. Sleeping has been difficult and I have felt more emotional, feeling upset over silly little things.

This morning I was awake really early, and didn’t sleep very well. Dreams plagued me and I didn’t feel at all rested. My partner and I got ready and made my way round to my mothers. When we got there she greeted us but thankfully disappeared into the living room leaving us to it. I am glad I really was not up for conversation when it would only be fake and forced. I am not very good at pretending that things between us are okay and create conversation because it is the ‘nice’ thing to do. Not because I am horrible or anything like that but I just do not like being fake. I feel like a hypocrite. How can I say that I want nothing to do with her, that she has had such a negative effect on my life that I cannot put myself through having her in my life then how can I pretend to be okay when and if we occasionally cross paths. To be honest it hurts more to pretend. I know this is controversial for a lot of people. The way they see it is we only get one set of parents and we should love them no matter what. Neither of them have done anything to deserve that title or role in years and years. They were the adults and yet I was the one that suffered growing up. Now I am the adult and I have to make the decision that’s best for my health, not for theirs, they never did that for me and I cannot risk loosing myself because of them. I am making a decision which of course has been exceptionally difficult. I have always hoped that they would prove me wrong, tried to be the bigger person and let it be but if they are not willing to put in the work, try, make an effort then why should I continue to put myself through disappointment and immense pain over something that is never going to improve. They are an aspect of my past. They will never be part of my future in any way. I know this hurts some people but for once in my life I am deciding to be selfish.

Being back in my childhood room (even if it was just a collection of boxes, bags and old furniture now) bought back a lot of memories both good and bad before I even had a chance to look through anything. I had made the decision that this needed to be as quick a process as possible to help me make it through. I felt overwhelmed with feelings from the past pouring over me but decided throwing myself into sorting things was for the best.

I started with my small collection of books, easily deciding what ones I wanted to keep and what ones to leave. Next came the hardest part of the whole process. My collections. My obsessive, immersive behaviour is something I have battled with for as long as I know, but some of my worst, most prominent were stored within this moment.

Lets start with my biggest immersion I have ever had, atomic kitten. This room was once covered wall to wall, celling and doors with pictures of the singers, no matter how big or small they were. These had long ago been taken down and placed in a very large bag. Going through these were utterly bitter sweet. Remembering how much these meant to me made me want to fall straight back through the rabbit hole and immerse myself in them all over again. I knew I had to be brutal with myself and not let myself do this. I have kept all the signed memorabilia that I have and a few odd mementos.

Next came all my csi, charmed and greys anatomy collections which is a lot less but still a significant amount of magazines, photos, posters etc. Again I really wanted to take a lot of it with me, especially all the magazines but this just isn’t sensible or feasible given that we are moving into a flat. I also had to keep telling myself, I have survived without these things for many many years now, they are not essential only desirable. It was hard to walk away from them all but I am now strong enough to do it. Especially with the support and strength of my partner, and his ability to say no we do not need that.

I also found lots of old photographs of my sisters when they were babies and young children which I was really happy with. I am so happy to have collected these again. These are the moments that I wanted. I know so much is digital now a days but flicking through photos will always be something I enjoy.

In the end we didn’t take loads from the room, but I have taken enough. I am happy walking away knowing that I have what I need of my memories, all my photos from the past and some memories of the things I have loved before. I am immensely proud of myself for doing this, especially for being strong enough to walk away without everything. There is a time not so long ago where I would not have been able to do this. I would not have been able to leave anything behind. Obsession would have controlled me, but today I won. I made sensible decisions and not only that but I feel happy with it. I am not sitting here thinking about all the things I wish I had collected. Of course I still have obsessions and immersions now and I do still like to collect. I have shown and proved I can be more controlled over this.

I was polite and informed mother that we were done and leaving and that everything that was left she could now just get rid of whenever she wanted. I shut the door on my past and can now focus on my future, on the life I am building with the love of my life, with my amazing friends and the family that I do have in my life. My future is always going to be full of additional challenges, prejudice from others, feeling inadequate at times. I will always love and hate my autism at times but I have a lot of things to look forward to, and to celebrate these moments with the people whom I love with all my heart. I love you all 3000. Always. xx

I lay here at night wondering, wondering if anyone will ever figure me out.

Years ago I wrote a comment down in one of my notebooks… I lay here at night wondering, wondering if anyone will ever figure me out. I wonder if anyone will find out the secret I’ve been hiding for years, if anyone will ever really know me and then it hits me…

This comment was initially about how I felt about myself, that I wondered if anyone would ever really understand me or know the real me. I then used this quote to go on to begin writing a story but that’s another matter all together, recently I have been drawn back to the story that I began and in particular aspects of this comment. Finally, I feel like I have began to address this. I have realized that as much as I desired for others to know me and to understand me it was first important for me to understand myself. This was before my diagnosis came about and I didn’t know my own mind, what was different about me and why. I was still trying to conform to the world around me and be normal, fit in with everyone in the way that I felt would make me normal. Writing my blog has been my way of exploring this and expressing myself, allowing everyone to see every aspect of me and to understand what makes me tick and how my autistic brain works. I finally feel like my whole life, my being, the thoughts within me which I locked away are not secret anymore. Finally people can really know me.

There have been lots of question recently over whether my blogs are a good thing to be doing, and whether they are causing me more harm than good in regards to different aspects of my life, but I know they are a positive. They help me in ways that I could not imagine. I am not always very good at expressing myself, and don’t even always realise that I hide so much of myself away without thinking of it. My blog allows the people close to me to see the bits I naturally hide away, unlocks the parts of me that I struggle to express. Whilst I know that it helps others to understand autism in a different light.

I know I am obsessed with my autism now. But is it a bad thing that my obsession is now related to something that is actually important? Not meaningless, that it makes me want to help and support others, advocate and stand up for myself? I am finally at ease with myself enough to want to stand up for myself and not to be used and manipulated by others and okay this may mean that I react in ways that people don’t always expect but I believe it is important for me to be able to express myself too. To be able to say when I don’t think a situation is right of fair. I have spent my whole life trying to fit in with everyone else and to conform to how they want me to be but I want that to be a balance now. I know there are things and times where I have to be the one to try and understand and be like everyone else, I cannot expect people to understand me if I don’t try to understand them too, but I also believe that there are times where I should be the one accepted too. My autism should not be used against me or seen as a negative just because I see things differently to others.

I want to make the world a better place, a more accepting place. I want to share my thoughts and ideas and help to educate the world on autism. I think that this is a positive way of channeling my desire and need to immerse and obsess. I know it wont take away the other things I obsess over but this has got to be better right? Its not that I am playing or using my autism in any way I am just more comfortable and accepting of myself, which is what everyone always says is best right?

Drawing back to the quote which started this section I have begun thinking about writing again, not just my blogs or putting them together to create a book on autism (which might I add is going very well recently! Hopefully news to come shortly!) but also about writing non fiction again. I used to love making up stories, projecting certain feelings into characters and then creating their lives. Writing has always been a passion of mine. Heaven knows if the story will be any good or if I will ever even complete it (seeing as I am continuing a story I started years ago now…) Maybe one day I can become a best selling author (yeah right!) but for now I am enjoying letting my imagination flow.

When ranting is all that will come…

I probably shouldn’t be writing what I want to write about today, but my blog is all about expressing myself, and this is the hardest thing going on in my life currently. Things may come across a little vague throughout and I apologise for that in advance but there is a very good reason why.

This week has been very tough for me. Everything I thought I knew, thought I was building towards has changed. Been ripped out from underneath me. Being told I will never achieve something because of the thinking that I cannot handle it has resurfaced a lot of things I thought I had dealt with.

I don’t feel good enough at all anymore, even at something that I have always known to be a strength of mine. I feel played and manipulated and unsure of my position anymore. I have spent months and months talking about how autism is my superpower and all the things it does benefit for me in my life but right now I am reminded of the negative. Not the fact that I cannot handle this situation, because I believe I could, but that I trust too easily. I believe too much in the word of people and will give the benefit of the doubt and allow myself to be used, abused and believe wholly in something or someone which I clearly shouldn’t. Even when others try to tell me, try to explain I still believe. Right now this is shattered. I put over 10 years of my life into something, for absolutely nothing.

I would like to say it isn’t because of my past with anxiety and depression or because of my autism. I would like to say that I’m not being victimised, again, but the truth is I cannot see how I am not being penalised because of my condition. This is what I hate the most. I cannot even do anything about it because they are too clever, have done it all in a way that doesn’t make it look like this is the reason. I see people who shouldn’t be, or who have done nothing but similar to me given opportunities and I can’t help but wonder why not me? The only difference is my autism.

Maybe I really am just assuming and thinking the worst, because really what evidence does society give me to think differently? To really think that I can stand up and advocate for anyone with autism when I cannot even achieve myself? I cannot make people see that I can do things, prove myself worthy.

 I can not decide whether I am blaming myself and my autism or whether they are really using my autism and past. I am hating on myself for not being able to prove to them I am better than they think I am, and then even more so for blaming my autism myself.

I want to scream give me a chance, let me prove to you, but in their eye’s,  they have already given me these opportunities. I really thought I was doing everything right. Everything I could to show them. I honestly believed I was good enough. Good enough to do it and to break the stigma that comes with autism. I thought I could be different. One of these people that others on the spectrum or whom understand autism would look up to, inspire towards, could change the world. Now I can’t even fix my own world let alone be a role model to others.

I am left feeling defeated and questioning my next move. I cannot sleep because my brain is buzzing overtime and all I want to do is hide away, immerse in a bubble, bury under the covers and let obsession take me under so I can feel the happy buzz that I know still resides deep within me, the side that knows that everything else in my life is amazing right now and shouldn’t I be hanging onto the positives as they are such amazing things, but the melancholy seeps over my skin making me feel jittery, on the edge constantly, like a meltdown is imminent and any sensory overload will push me over the edge. I am clinging on right now, battling inner demons and trying my best to show control and respect and not be upset like everyone expects me to be, because somehow not crying over it will mean that I am stronger than they think and not let them win when in reality I know I am only hurting myself further.

I know that most of this has been a rant, with no real explanation to what is going on but I cannot do it. No matter how much I want to I still have some silly notion of protection over them.

This is my brain every minute or every day at the moment. Buzzing over and over with these thoughts and trying to process a situation without much logic. The autistic brain is so hard to shut down at the best of times, when events like this are added nothing seems to help. It leaves me feeling exhausted but hyper aware, tired but wide awake, defeated yet determined. Unsure yet positive.