So the last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me!
I honestly never believed that the conventional aspects of life and romance were going to be something I could ever achieve such as living with someone or engagement as this would mean someone would need to be willing and able to put up with every single aspect of my autism which I know is a big ask for anyone, some days it feels like a big ask even for myself. I know I can be frustrating and annoying and hard to understand at times let alone the melt downs, the intimacy issues and every day struggles I have discussed. The evidence just pointed towards the idea that I would never get a happily ever after in fairy tale traditional sense that I always strived for.
But here I am today writing as an engaged women who is on the cusp of purchasing her first home with an amazing, caring and wonderfully understanding man. I always thought I would end up ‘settling’ with anyone that would put up with me but I am with a man I truly adore who cares for me and knows just the ways to help me through tricky moments and accepts that sometimes I just need space, or my headphones or an immersion to help me through and is there for me unquestionably whenever I need him.
The proposal was perfect. Nothing too flashy or in front of people which would have just been too much for my overstimulated mind to process. It was just us and perfect. The ring is 100% me. Not necessarily traditional. It’s got a topaz centre and tiny diamonds surrounding it and is just perfection for me. My favourite colour and a reminder of how well he truly knows and respects me.
Our flat is even more perfect. I cannot wait to build a home with him. I know this won’t come without it’s own challenges and is a lot of change for me to contend with but I couldn’t be happier. I have been waiting what feels like forever to have a place of my own and I cannot wait for this new chapter of my life to begin. To make something which is ours, where I can live without fear with an official address filled with everything I love. Some place where I can have friends and family come and visit me for a change. Even possibly stay over like I have stayed at theirs a gazzilion times. I can feel like I can support others and not be the person always needing support and a place to escape. Right now my life is feeling amazing and I am not accustomed to this utter completeness. I know things will be difficult at times but I know now I have security.
The sweetest comment I think I received (and I thank everyone who has commented so far it has been utterly amazing reading everyone’s comments and thanks) was from my younger sister. Her level of love that shone through for the both of us and her comment about sharing her Tam Tam with a man who makes me so happy, and my favourite aspect of all being her favourite superhuman. She looks past every part of me that I dislike or struggle with and sees this superhuman that she looks up to. I never thought I would be the person that anyone looks up to or sees in this way but she makes me want to be the person she sees. The pressure to be perfect for her is intense and scary and I never want to fail her but I know how much she loves me for me and I hope she knows, as I hope all my sisters know how much they mean to me and that I am always there for them.
Right now I see how much being autistic doesn’t mean you can’t have everything you want in life. Yes it may be more or a struggle at times and there are things that unfortunately people will never fully understand and therefore never accept but I know I have overcome the world to be where I am today. To understand and feel true love. I am proud of the women I currently am and strive to help others and myself continue to flourish through every up and down along the future path…