This week has really hit home to me how seeing the world so differently can make me feel. There are times in my life that seeing the world from my perspective is a positive and allows me to deal with things differently. It has helped me to get through issues such as my childhood and I believe allows me to be the practitioner I am at work, who will do anything for the children within my care and always give my best to them.
Then comes the time where seeing the world differently makes everything so difficult and so hard to understand. Knowing the right thing to say or do and the uncertainty of how overs will take what your saying or doing and judge you.
I give everything to the things I care about and that isn’t always a good thing. I will stand up for what I think is right even though it gets me in trouble or causes more issues for myself. I know some may say this is good as I stand up for what I believe but it isn’t always good. For starters I can be seriously stubborn in my beliefs and views and struggle to see others points of views when my head is set on something. This means that it can be hard to get through to me and rationalise with me or help me see the others point of view no matter who is wrong or right. Once I come to a decision there is a very good reason I have reached it so trying to turn me around on it is near on impossible. I am not by any means saying I am always right but I usually have a very good reason for feeling or believing what I do and getting me to see otherwise is a difficult task.
I’ve been told that this makes me a very difficult friend. That I can bring people down and it can be hard having conversations with me and support me whilst I am in this mindset. I do not know how to take this. I cannot change how my brain works. I have tried in the past before accepting myself. I am sorry that I am difficult in this way. I really am. I have spent my whole life scared to be honest and talk about things because I was afraid of how people would take what I am saying and that they wouldn’t understand me, I guess I have always known I don’t see things the same as others, neuro typical’s, even before my diagnosis. For years I strived and pretended, mimicking behaviour and trying to fit in, unsuccessfully and couldn’t fathom why I just couldn’t be like the people around me. Why I found it so hard to understand them and why I couldn’t let go of things or dealt with things the way I do. It still makes me sad that I can be this difficult. I do not do it on purpose or to make things harder. It’s the only way I know how to be. It’s the only way my brain works.
Secondly, I expect others to be the same. I stand up for my friends no matter what and I get very upset if they wouldn’t or don’t do the same for me. Not because they don’t care but because they look at things from every angle, every aspect. Can see both sides of a story or think of the consequences and do not want to get themselves into trouble or make the situation worse for themselves. I cannot do that. I don’t think or care about the consequences at the time. I will stand up for them, say my piece if I need to and then end up taking the brunt of it come back at me. For example there was a time where online someone’s partner but a comment on about my friends children. It wasn’t anything major and could have just been ignored to not cause any further issues and in fact this is what my friend decided to do. I couldn’t do this. I was outraged and had to make a comment. I was not nasty or mean or anything but I couldn’t just let it slide and I would do it again in a heart beat even though I was the one that then got moaned at.
It is exceptionally hard to put this into words without naming particular occasions and I wouldn’t want to people to feel names and shamed because that is not what this is about. It is not about going through and saying all the times where I thought people could or should have stood up for me more or anything it is merely about explaining my side of life and how difficult this particular social aspect can be for me. I have been taught that you do anything for those you love and care about and that they always come first and you should stand up for them…yet apparently this isn’t always appropriate or the right thing to do or way to go about things. How am I supposed to understand the grey area in between and know when I should do or say something and when I should just let something slide?
This week I am feeling negative about this aspect of my autism and that makes me angry too. I know its who I am and that I am striving for autism acceptance and hating myself feels like I am letting myself down but it also highlights just how difficult autism can be. I am not raising awareness because I think that everyone should change their way of thinking to my way, or anything like this. I am raising awareness but it is important to understand and acknowledge how difficult and trying everyday life can be for someone on the spectrum, and the things that you find annoying about them may be the very things that they are battling hardest to understand. ],(o.__