Struggling to write, to share to express…

I have been struggling to write recently, not because I don’t have things I want to say or want to share but all the words seem to be choked up inside me, se edge but I am unable to get them out. I am used to this being the case with the spoken word but writing has always been my calming balm to help me sort, organise and share what is going on inside my head. I am struggling with the fact that this isn’t coming easy to me. I have tried writing them down in notebooks rather than through my computer or through my blog as sometimes the flow of holding a pen and writing makes it easier to get everything out to typing but it doesn’t seem to be making any difference.

I would like to be able to say that it is all just because of everything that’s going on in the world right now causing my blockage but the thoughts and anxiety I am feeling isn’t even all related to that. Of course there is a big part of it that is and that’s the easy stuff the write about I can talk about the things covid related that I am struggling with. The fact that shopping has become such an anxiety inducing task due to all the new rules (even though I like rules) and wondering each time I go what the experience will be like this time, the fact that I am hating not being at work and I am really struggling without the routine of this, the fact that I cannot see the people close to me etc. That’s easier. Maybe its because I am home and therefore my brain isn’t keeping as busy which is causing all the other thoughts to circle, for me to struggle with falling asleep and keep memories at bay.

Usually I would claim that one of my favourite aspects of my autism is my memory. I can recall events and moments from my life with such detail still even if it happened years ago. Right now this feels more like a curse, memories swirl around my head and things that happened long ago, and not so long ago are constantly in my mind. This isn’t to say that they are all bad memories, even if they are often related to people I miss and wish I still had in my life the actual memories themselves aren’t necessarily bad. It just means that my brain doesn’t seem to be shutting down as easily. It’s also hard when I communicate with people about these memories and a lot of the time they cant recall, or aren’t really bothered as it happened so long in the past. These moments still mean so much to me, because they don’t feel like they happened forever ago, the feelings I had at the time I can still recall now and therefore the moments still matter to me. They still feel like a big part of my life even if to others they are just an aspect of their past now. Anyways, lots of blabber there but basically this has resulted in my head feeling remarkably full with feelings and memories and thoughts that I just cannot express in the way that I want or need to. Even whilst writing this I am struggling to put into words and explain exactly what I mean. I apologise now for the lack of sense any of this blog has actually made. Hopefully I will be make to normal soon, able to write what I desire.

This should be the prefect opportunity for me to write, I have all the time in the world right now and writing would prevent the boredom and keep my brain busy.

Anyways, continue to stay safe, stay well.

A little something different…

I know in my last upload I said I would be discussing my coping mechanisms and how I respond in situations but I have decided to take a slightly different approach. I will still be touching on these but instead of listing them off I am going to write about the week I have had…

As many people reading this already know I work in a nursery with children. I absolutely adore my job. It is my focus, my biggest obsession, my escape from my brain at times. Of course every now and again things are going to flow over into this world, I can’t ‘hide’ all my autistic traits even though for a long time I strived to be normal and not let these show. I have accepted who I am now, and see the benefit and support these little traits can have (sometimes anyways lol).

Something very minor to most happened this week. One of the girls I work with received new work shirts to wear and she pointed out to us how the name of the company and the size of the logo has changed slightly on the shirt. Now this is nothing major right? Its still the same company I work for, nothing has really changed. But I wasn’t aware that this was going to happen. I could feel the unease seeping through me, beginning small and slowly spreading. My hands crept up to rub my neck, below my ears and I could feel myself babbling. Its not that the change is bad at all, the fact that I didn’t know it was coming was the issue, and now we aren’t all the same. Our uniform is universal throughout our nurseries and that’s how it supposed to be. That’s the rule, we have a very clear dress code. This throws that out. For a while this will trickle in and some of us will be one way and some of us will be the other. This is taking some times for my brain to process. The idea of it all, the fact that our badges will change, the signs will all have to change buzzes through my head. This isn’t even my issue…I do not have to do any of this none of it actively effects me. Anyways I joked it off, continued to babble about it all day but acted like I was all fine with it. It still runs around my head now, days later, not enough to make me twitchy but the buzzing in my brain is still there.

I am going to refer back to one sentence in particular from above “My hands crept up to rub my neck, below my ears…” This is one of my coping mechanisms. I cover my ears. Push so hard towards my head that I cannot hear anything except the blood rushing through my head. I block everything out and just try to breath. When things aren’t too bad or I’m trying to hide the feelings flowing over me I rub below my ears, my neck, anything within this area that doesn’t look as suspicious. My amazing partner bought me ear defenders to support me during these times which made me fall even more in Love with him. The way he supports rather than tries to change me is outstanding.

Because of this and my mind feeling the way it has I have felt the hyperfixation streaming through me, controlling me, helping to settle things in my brain but it isn’t easy to control it. At night I have been dreaming about Castle and Beckett, all day in the back of mind I have thoughts of Tony Stark and Pepper fighting to take centre stage. I am obsessed with finding things online to quench my hunger for it, reading fanfiction when ever I get the chance, looking up theories on what will happen in the next avengers movie. Yes this all sounds very obsessive and I know many will think this is unhealthy and part of that may be right. But this is how I cope. I have learnt and continue to fight and learn to control it so it doesn’t overcome me and become the only thing I focus on. But it helps me, and I am no longer afraid of the rabbit hole it may pull me down.

Something else from this week was a discussion I had with a team member. I always ensure to ask if a team member wants to swap or would like me to do a job if I feel they have done a lot of it recently, such as changing nappies, and this team member always says its fine. I always worry that this is something people say because its a very social norm to just say that everything is okay and it is also appropriate for the other person to offer to do the job anyways. I cannot read this. I never know what way a person is being, If they are genuinely okay doing a job or are just saying it to be polite. After a few days of this I decided to come out and just say this to the team member. Thankfully she laughed and understood and said she would say if she didn’t want to do something. I know that some people find this rude but this is genuinely what I need. I need the black and white. No grey area thankyou. It doesn’t mean I will let people walk all over me and not do a job if they need to do it but I know where I stand and what my response should be.

I know this only scratches the surface of how things can be and how I cope with things but I thought it would be a way of explaining part of a typical week for me. These is much more to come and I will continue to explore my past, my present and the idea of my future and explain how everyday life has evolved and works for me and my autism.

Finally it has also been suggested to me that I should consider vlogging on youtube with these extracts. I am not yet sue how I feel about this, I would love to reach a wider community and continue to see this grow but I’m not sure I can do it. I was just wondering what peoples thoughts are on this matter. I would also really appreciate it if you could like and/or follow the posts on this website so I can see what the interest is. Also feel free to leave any comments on what you think was good, anything I could improve or anything you would like included.